all i wanna do is make art

But before I get super vulnerable and show you the art I’ve been making, a few reminders / FYIs:

On May 30th we’ll have our first DIARY CLUB gathering on zoom from 3-4:30pm Pacific. We’ll talk about the prompts for May (theme is GRIEF), share our reflections together, and bask in the magic of peer support and community 💖

And ICYMI: I started a snail mail club called CARE MAIL! June’s theme is SELF-LOVE. Really, I just wanna send you mail and have another reason to be online less. Included is a handwritten letter, poem, sticker, art print, AND a 90s throwback: a cootie catcher! Check it out here and join the club!

I’ve been in a rut. Putting words down — even these very words as I type them — has been excrutiating. My brain is blocked. What usually flows out of me with such ease is stuck. Damned up.

As a writer, this is truly one of the most unmooring feelings. Who am I if I’m not writing? Of course, I know that one can still be a writer even when they’re not actively writing. Still, it’s been a hard reality to accept. You could call it writer’s block. You could also call it Nervous System Overwhelm, or burn out.

And so I’ve been turning to other outlets to express my creativity. I return to my longtime favorite, something I’ve been doing since my early adolescence: collaging in my journal.

I’ve also wanted a challenge. In my sessions with my therapist, I’ve been learning about “accumulating positives” and “building mastery.” In the world of Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, accumulating positives and building mastery fall under the skills we can use for emotional regulation.

Accumulating positives refers to consciously integrating positive experiences into our days, even — and especially — when life is hard. Sometimes there is little to nothing that we can do to change what’s happening in our lives. This is just a difficult season, and we must weather the storm. At the same time, because, well, it’s dialectical, we can find moments of joy, happiness, calm, ease, and peacefulness by accumulating positives.

With building mastery, we’re adding in activities to our day-to-day that are simultaneously challenging and achievable. Building mastery can help alleviate feelings of hopeless and helplessness in the face of all that we can’t control.

When I thought about how I could practice this skill, I knew I wanted to do something creative. I’d started seeing videos of people using acrylic paint markers on my Instagram, and found it very aesthetically pleasing and soothing.

I’ve never thought of myself as someone who was good at drawing, painting, or illustration — a belief that was somehow instilled in me when I took art classes in high school. So this would be challenging for me. And, because I found so much pleasure in the art form, and had found a bunch of videos online to inspire me, it felt achievable.

Leaning into creating more art has been truly making each day feel more liveable. When I journal, I get to document all of the sweet moments that are happening in my life, even amidst deep grief and heartbreak. When I play around with my markers, all of the colors on the page remind me of just how much beauty and aliveness there is at our very fingertips.

In lieu of the usual essay that I’d write here, I want to share art from the pages of my journals.

This post is free, but it is my hope that you’ll become a key-holder in my DIARY CLUB. Paid subscribers get access to “borderline baby: a recovery diary” and the monthly DIARY PROMPTS, as well as the new monthly meet up: DIARY CLUB!

❤︎ Looking for ways to connect offline? Join my mail club: CARE MAIL is a monthly snail mail offering to support your healing. June’s theme is SELF-LOVE and you’ll receive a 5x7 print of one of my memes, sticker, handwritten letter + poem, and a cootie catcher!

❤︎ Want some support with your writing? Check out Partial Accounts: A Guide for Writers Living With Trauma.

❤︎ My book Touch Me, I’m Sick: A Memoir in Essays is out now and you can read an excerpt in LitHub here and another in TIME Magazine.