Notes from My Phone: Less Eye Rolling

Note: trying a new little series I’m calling “Notes from My Phone.” Just short thoughts with hopefully actionable ideas! We will start with an idea and then apply it to a scenario at the end.

Someone being irritated and exasperated with you OR someone being firm but kind with you?

Which makes you feel more unloved? More annoying? More defective? More insecure?

This is a big gripe I have with the gentle parenting dynamic: Moms pushed so hard to be accommodating that they must rely on their own patience… until it fails. You can’t say “no” clearly and calmly before being pushed beyond your limit, so you act EXASPERATED or explode.

Moms of kids who “don’t listen” may think they can huff and puff and roll their eyes and it doesn’t impact their kids, but it actually feels awful to the emergent self. They may think that eventually losing it and yelling and crying(!) in frustration at their kids’ uncooperative behavior is balanced out by “repair apologies” and all the “gentleness” they offer before their patience runs out.

But we understand delight as a cornerstone of healthy attachment. We need our mothers to DELIGHT in us. Acting annoyed with someone, burnt out by them, over and over again does not engender this feeling.

By learning to set limits with kid firmness, we don’t introduce feelings of annoyance, frustration—even contempt—into the mother-child relationship.

If you can tell your kids “go play for 20 minutes,” “I’m taking a break from talking now,” or even give a time out without ever getting emotionally set off yourself, YES, your kids will feel more loved than if you never set limits but rolled eyes, sighed, and lost your cool.

At the first twinge of exasperation, try interpreting the annoying behaviors as pings that say, “orient me, please!” Give a clear directive about what we’re doing and what’s expected. Set some limits that will contain and do it before you’re maxed out and irritable.

Here’s an example: the kids are acting wild before dinner. They’re saying MOM every 30 seconds, making a lot of noise and mess, and running around chaotically. As soon as you notice that tense feeling within, take it as your sign to orient. Call everyone over and use a teacher trick like 1-2-3 Eyes on Me or similar. Get directive: “Kids, it’s getting too wild in here. For the next 30 minutes, you will play in the basement. Only come to find me if someone is hurt or about to be hurt. I expect noise to stay downstairs. Thank you! Ready, set, go.” Literally direct. Guide them as needed. If they keep coming around, keep sending them back. Does it feel a little bossy to tell them what to do with such directness? Perhaps! But it’s a lot warmer than eventually shrieking “no one listens to me!,” rolling your eyes and sighing around them, or chugging a second glass of wine to make it to bedtime.