Hot Game, Coming Through

GEOFFREY KEIRA KNIGHTLEY brought forth the Awards for the Games. Who won? Who lost? Nobody cares! No, because the only reason anyone tuned in (or rather, didn’t tune in and just caught up the following day) was for NEW GAMES. Are Geoff can’t touch anything without it turning into yet another GAME ANNOUNCEMENT EVENT. “Never mind all these great games and the awards they have won!”, spake Geoff. “Instead, blind your eyes with all these new ones we’ll be ignoring at another GAME AWARDS in a year or two!”.

HOTTEST of all these new games is Hades II. Hades II!

As a big fan of the original, I am so up for this I’ve started on the ProPlus already.

Other than Hades II, you know that BioShock series wot KENNETH LEVINE did do? Well, imagine that in space. Space! A game set in space. Whatever next? There’s Definitely Not Plasmids and certainly no Unhinged Characters. JUDAS is coming. Circus of Values vending machines, thankyouplease:

And! There! Was! More! Castlevania DLC for Dead Cells (just make a new Castlevania please Konami, for the love of God), a visual novel-lookin’ Bayonetta prequel, and EARTHBLADE - a new game from the Celeste peoples. Eurogamer has a roundup.

As Elizabeth Bennet made her way through the hallways of her family's home, she realized with a start that she could no longer fit through the doorways. She was forced to crawl through the windows instead, much to her embarrassment.

"Lizzy, what on earth are you doing?" her sister Jane asked, watching as Elizabeth awkwardly squeezed through a window frame.

"I can't fit through the doorways anymore," Elizabeth replied, blushing with shame. "I don't know what's happened to me."

But Elizabeth was not the only one struggling with her size. Mr. Darcy, always known for his haughty demeanour, had become so large that he could no longer comfortably sit in chairs or climb stairs. He eventually resorted to using a lift to transport himself around his home, but this only served to further alienate him from the other characters.

Despite these challenges, the characters of continued to navigate their world and interact with one another. But their struggles with their own size added an additional layer of conflict and comedy to the already lively story.

HALSEY, Ms Frangipane herself, was at the aforementioned GAME AWARDS to announce Super Crunchtime looter scooper sequel DIABLO IV. Why? “Lilith is, like, so me” or something. Seems she forgot to put most of her clothes on. It’s winter, Halsey. You’ll catch your death.

MAN AND WOMAN APPEAR ON NETFLIX. Prince Harrance and Meggory reveal all. Collective shrugs.

CHEERS to KIRSTIE ALLEY. Last orders.

Well, don't you know I'm caught in a trap?
I can't walk out.
Because I love you too much, baby.
Well, don't you know I'm caught in a trap?
I can't walk out.
Because I love you too much, baby

20 GOTO 10

JOE TRACINI, Norwich Panto hero and I Hate You curtainboy has a book out. Podcast Godfather RICHARD HERRING bookclubs him.

Richard chats with Joe Tracini about his book Ten Things I Hate About Me, a moving, funny and horrifying journey through his Borderline Personality Disorder, how online trolls have nothing on Mick, Joe’s internal voice who provides a negative director’s commentary on everything he does, Joe’s experience growing up not really understanding or liking other kids, how he sought solace in performance and magic, what led him to dance around in a child’s leotard, how far he was prepared to take a fake stomach ache to get off school and why he wrote a book about all this.

Hey, Listen!

ADDENDUM TO LAST MISSIVE: I’m not off to the forbidden crater at all. Got to whip the Elite Four first. Who knew?

ROSEMARY: With quartz rising, things are going to take a sharp turn for the unusual. Prepare for the unpreparable, and consider reassessing your finances, priorities, and underwear.

ELDRICH: Underground drumquakes bode well for you this moon, with projected gambling wins some 500% higher than last moon. Remember the rule of threes to best abuse this knowledge.

NCP: Storm winds bring harsh reality but quiet opportunity for those of adventure and coin. Take advantage of those more needy than you, eat well, and no cheese before bedtime. Lucky piscine: tench.

TIPPED HAT: The swine is low, meaning dangerous times for the tipped hat born. Hide away until Pork’s Eve, make no eye contact, and stay off Twitter.

PUDDIN: No hope for you now. Embrace the sleep.

KAWAII: Rilakkuma's Theme Park Adventure is a stop motion animation series featuring a bear suit (which may or may not have something in it) who goes with friends to, oh go on, guess, where they have what could be described, if you were being generous, as an adventure. Supersick tweeness abound.

People get lost. Other people get lost. The bad man who runs the theme park is a bad man. Rilakkuma wants a stack of pancakes. It’s baffling, and will have you raging at the screen with “WHY DON’T YOU JUST” at least three times an episode. Binge the lot in a couple of hours, but bring a bag. Netflix it up, yo.