Deidream #55: I LOVE YOU...

An author’s note

(Neurodivergent) Black women and girls being socialized for selflessness and “everyone else first” gets us killed, abused, or keeps us trapped in cycles of people-pleasing, where a lot of people who love us are perfectly satisfied to eat what is grown from the fertilizer of our bones.

Fuck that.

Count me out.

Put on ya mask before assisting others, type shi

Words of wisdom from those who came before.

A song I’ve had on repeat lately

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago

Oh, I’m screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All ‘cause you won’t listen

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known, oh
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more than what
You’ve made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own

Why I’m here. What I’m mulling over.

Live look what loving me first brought me to.

I no longer flinch, or wring my hands with nervousness, or overexplain why I can’t or won’t do something I know won’t be good for me in the long run.

I leave when I want to. I don’t stay where my body and mind are under strain.

I love me, finally, and I’ll do what I can to keep me safe and happy.

I love my community garden.

I love my family.

I love my friends.

I love our planet.

I love my work.

I love my city.

I love Us.

I love the future I know is possible.

But I love me first.

I always considered myself secondary to everything and everyone else I loved, if I even considered myself at all. I thought that was the proper way to love.

I thought love meant giving everything you are away in hopes that it would be returned to you. So I gave my body, my time, my energy, my ideas, my passions, my words, my voice, and my vision away over and over again.

And when there was nothing left to give, I blamed myself for not being enough. I made myself “easy to love” and destroyed my sense of self and purpose in the process.

But I love myself now and understand that the strength to love all these things freely, without limits, and the ways they deserve comes with treating myself that way first. Not after I’m sure everyone else understands I love them, not after I make empassioned speeches about community care and the like…

First.

I’m not a daughter first. I’m not a sister first. I’m not a worker first.

Finally, “self-love” is more than a mantra people chant at me to rid themselves of the responsibility of holding my romantic complexities or a way to trick me into buying bullshit skincare tools.

“I love me” is a driving philosophy and a proven method of betterment.

I love me even when you try to guilt me out of it.

I love me even when you tell me my body is “wrong.”

I love me even when you don’t understand me.

I love me even when you lie on and to me.

I love me even when people push me away.

I love me even if I don’t achieve.

I love me even when the world attempts punish me for it.

I love me even if no one ever reads my work.

I love me even when I’m lost.

I love me even when I’m wrong because I love me enough to grow.

I love me even when the world doesn’t find me useful.

I love me even when you dislike me.

I love me even when I can’t give.

I love me, and not a single other person on this planet is ever going to trick me into abandoning myself for their benefit or comfort ever again.

Forreal this time.

Upward.

A nature hobby that keeps me grounded + A cool picture I took or a photo that moved me.

THIS SNOW, MAN.

THIS FREAKIN’ SNOW, DUDE.

Look at this craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy shit.

This is the deepest snow I’ve walked in since I was a kid. This poor garden ain’t gonna show me its face until the end of March. At least the floral bulbs I planted for spring will be really happy to get all this tasty, tasty snow.

Whatever nerdy shit I’m into lately. + A cool picture I took or a photo that moved me.

Ran around the museum just to feel like part of something bigger this week.

They had horse skeletons on display to celebrate the new year!!

Horses scare me something crazy, but this is so cool to see. The bigger and stronger the animal, the more my brain just goes ‘Old Gods, Exercise Caution.’ Especially because they got BIGGER as they evolved, like where are y’all GOING TO BE GETTING SO BIG??

Anyway, it’s the year of the fire horse so GO, GO, GO TIME!

Hateration in the dancery as a healing practice.

The very concept of “misery loves company.”

I’m not really looking to bond over how terrible or miserable it is to be alive, nor am I joking about it anymore1. I will not spread misery where it doesn’t need to be. Lowkey, highkey, there are people who do not want others experiencing joy where they cannot reach or partake, and I believe it is your duty to double down on what makes you happy just to prove to them again that your love for yourself and the prioritization of your wellness is a non-negotiable.

Find miserable company somewhere else.

Just a final thought.

Anyone who calls you selfish for saying no or opting out of what is dangerous for you in favor of opting in to what strengthens your mind, body, or spirit — block them out.

I hope you love yourself enough to.