Thomas Tuchel Runs Out of Tricks

Years after Guus Hiddink took Australia to the 2006 World Cup, he was asked if he’d ever return to coach Australia, and he replied, “You don’t do the same trick twice.”

If only someone told English coach Thomas Tuchel before the semi-final against Argentina. Because when England scored in the 55th minute, he didn’t seize the momentum, he didn’t push for another goal, and he didn’t turn the screws on Argentina. He just pulled out his old playbook, flipped to the page marked “Mexico match”, and told his players to just do that again.

First he took off the man who’d just scored, Angus Gordon, and replaced him with defender Ezri Konsa, which is like swapping a flame thrower for a fire extinguisher.1 For Gordon this was a far worse “Fuck You”, than the one he got from Mexico’s coach, Javier Aguirre, in the previous match.2

Even then, Tuchel still had Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham on the field. Kane, England’s greatest ever World Cup goal scorer. Bellingham, the second youngest player to score in World Cup knockout match since Pele. Both of them, currently third and fourth in the Golden Boot.

But he had other plans, like bringing on Dan Burn and his bloody big bonce, and getting his defenders to sit back so far they were almost in the grandstand. And the plan was to let them stand there for thirty minutes, and absorb more punishment than Muhammad Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle.3

This was a plan so deranged, not even Tony Popovic could have conjured it in his wildest fever dream.

While Tuchel played his one old trick, Scaloni cracked open his whole box of tricks, bringing on Martinez, Otamendi, De Paul and Gonzalez, who joined Messi to put on one hell of a magic show.

If England were doing Ali’s rope a dope, Argentina danced like a young Muhammad Ali, floating like butterflies and stinging like a swarm of angry bees. England didn’t even venture onto the dance floor, they just sat back, slouching like dull blokes who’d drunk too much too early, and were desperately hoping they could stay upright until the end of the night.

Argentina went out wide, whipped balls into the box, cut balls back, and dribbled at England’s defence. They probed the wall, and eventually the cracks began opening up. In the 86th minute Messi floated into one of those gaps, passed the ball back to Enzo Fernandez, who banged in a goal from outside the box.

Seven minutes later, and deep into injury time, Argentina delivered the death blow. Messi again got the ball out wide, unleashed a lethal cross to Lautaro Martinez who head butted the ball into the net, to catapult Argentina into another World Cup Final. England were left to stumble home alone, and empty handed.

England’s Wonderwall had crumbled. Their hopes had crashed to the ground like Humpty Dumpty. And if Tuchel does stay on as coach (and that is a huge if), who knows how he’ll put it back together again.

Thomas Tuchel tried to play the same trick twice, but Argentina shattered the illusion, and now English fans must feel very duped.