The Totally Unbiased Guide to Argentina vs Spain.

Opening to be read in Peter Drury’s voice:1

After 103 matches across three countries, it’s down to this. La Roja verses La Albiceleste. The Red Fury verses the White and Sky Blue. European Champions verses the South American Champions. Flamenco verses the Tango. Empanadas verses slightly different shaped empanadas. Welcome to Spain verses Argentina in the World Cup Final.

Okay you can stop the Peter Drury Voice now.

Yes, you should. 1.5 billion people watched the 2022 World Cup Final. That’s 1 in every 6 people on the planet. In a very fragmented world, this is a very rare moment when a massively large chunk of the world is watching the exact same thing, at the exact same time. There is something rare, brilliant and joyous about that.

My kids primary school is opening the gym at 445am so that everyone can watch the final. Do you know how hard it is to get kids to school by the usual time of 9am? We have managed it just once this whole term. But yet parents and their kids are going there at 500am to watch the World Cup. By the end of the day the kids are going to be rowdier than Scottish fans on a pub crawl after they bombed out in the Group. But the school is allowing this, because that’s the power of the World Cup. (And because they’re secretly afraid no one will go to school, because half the kids didn’t rock up after the Wolrd Cup Final four years ago)

Fuck no. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than being in a freezing cold gym full of screaming kids at 5am. I will be watching at home, under a doona on the couch.

Surprisingly low. Nowhere near the white hot spite levels of Argentina verses England, Argentina verses Brazil, or Argentina verses almost every other team in South America.

The only ever World Cup match between Argentina and Spain was in 1966 which Argentina won 2-1. And there was no dodgy decision, rough tackle or other for either team to stew on for the next sixty years.

Also, many Spanish people love Messi because he moved there when he was sixteen and spent most of his career there. Well, Barcelona fans love Messi, while Real Madrid fans at best, have a begrudging respect, dotted with the occasional traumatic flashback to matches when Messi tore them apart.

Firstly, Messi won’t willingly pass the torch to anyone. If Yamal wants the torch he’ll have to pry it from Messi’s cold dead hands. But you’re right, there is a real wily old master verses plucky young challenger theme running under all of this.

And it all begins with the baby bath photo.

It’s not a photoshop. Or AI. It’s an actual photo of the actual Lionel Messi bathing the actual baby Lamine Yamal, which was taken after Yamal’s family won a competition in 2007 for a photoshoot with Messi.

The fact this photo exists and nineteen years later they’re playing off in a World Cup Final is brillaint. It’s the kind of storyline that inspires an eight part ESPN documentary.

Peter Drury voice again:

“From Bath Time to World Cup Final Time. The little boy in a plastic bath tub now stands on the sacred ground of Met Life Stadium. Is this the moment when the apprentice becomes the master, or will Lionel Messi throw the baby out with the bathwater…”

(This ESPN documentary writes itself.)

Spain will win, becasue they don’t lose. They haven’t lost in the last 37 matches. That unbeaten streak is an equal record with Italy (for younger readers, Italy is a team that used to play World Cups a long time ago).2

Spain had a small wobble when they drew with Cabo Verde in their opening match, but this was before anyone knew where Cabo Verde was, let alone that they might be quite good at football.

Since then Spain have been in complete control. They don’t just win, they surgically dissect teams and dispose of the body parts more meticulously than Dexter. Ask France who strutted into the semi-final against like a Matador, and were hurled out of the stadium like a bunch of rodeo clowns.

The other thing Spain doesn’t do, is concede goals. So far, they’ve only conceded one goal in the whole tournament. When Belgium snuck one in, it was the first goal scored against Spain in 650 minutes of football.

Spain have a team of absolute stars: Rodri, Pedri, Yamal, Olmo… You could actually just keep going and read out the entire starting line-up. And if you somehow survive that onslaught, there’s still one final level boss, Mikel Merino. His one job is to come on in the last few minutes, when the game is close and score a goal. And he’s really good at it. He’s like a Spanish Lance Klusener at the 1999 Cricket World Cup.

When Spain were tied with Belgium, they put on Merino on in the 85th minute. 115 seconds later he scored and they won. Against Portugal, Spain sent him on at the 86th minute. Five minutes later he scored, and they won. Two matches. Two goals. For a total of nine minutes on the field. This is guy is a weapons grade closer.3 So if Argentina see him warming up late in the game, start praying.

While Spain is complete control, Argentina is inspired chaos. If Spain is a symphony orchestra where everyone plays their part to perfection, Argentina is free jazz. They’re late-era, full sheets of sound, musical volcano exploding into a Jackson Pollock painting, John Coltrane on Ascension.

Yes I am. Ascension has 11 brilliant players Ascension. You know what else has 11 brilliant players? Argentina. Ascension was led by the greatest virtuoso of all time. You know what else is led by the greatest virtuoso of all time? Argentina. Ascension swings from individual brilliance to chaos, but out of that chaos comes a new kind of order. You know what else looks like chaos, but creates a new kind of order-

This tournament Argentina have had more escapes than a FIFA official from corruption allegations. They were two goals down against Egypt in the 79th minute (Yes, I can hear Egypt fans/players/coaches screaming “rigged” and “VAR”, but I can’t get into that right now), then came back to win 3-2.

They were down 1-0 against England, and when England tried to park the bus, Argentina stormed the bus and set the whole bus on fire. They won 2-1, and made sure the only thing coming home was a bunch of devastated English players.

If you score against Argentina, they take it very, very personally. They will make you wish you had never contemplated kicking the ball into the goal. They will strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger. It’s an unconventional game plan, but it works.

And Argentina have Lionel Messi.

They can’t. Messi is having a better tournament than he did four years ago. He has the most goals in World Cup history.4 The most assists in World Cup history. He does things on a football pitch that are so stunning, your body starts making noises you’ve never heard before. When Messi guided that cross past six English players, and landed it perfectly on Martinez’s head, I emitted a scream that sounded like a velociraptor trying to sing opera.5

Messi had two assists against England, which is the more than the total amount of assists Cristiano Ronaldo has across his whole career at the World Cup and Euros. The debate about who is the Goat is done. By now, the only person left on the planet who still thinks Ronaldo is better than Messi, is Ronaldo.

And Spain whatever happens, don’t make Messi angry. Ask Jude Bellingham what happens when you wind Messi up. Or Aziz Behich. It’s like the kids at my high school who used to say “Talk Shit, Get Hit.” Except Messi won’t hit you. He’ll the hit ball into the back of the net from some absurd angle, or hit a perfect pass past six of your teammates, to a teammate who bangs it into goal.

Just enjoy the show. They get a chance to watch the greatest of all time from the best view in the house.

I genuinely don’t know. But it’s going to be awesome. But when that alarm goes off at 459am, do not even contemplate hitting snooze.

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In the meantime, have a listen to Ascension.6 7