“Colorado River crisis will only get worse, experts say”
Arizona Daily Star headline
9/19/2026
COLORADO RIVER CRISIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE, EXPERTS SAY
Zonies warned “Now’s Time to pack up your Camelbacks and Abandon the Sandbox!”
Arizonans paying more for water, still drinking the Growth Kool-Aid
Drying Hydroelectric Dams damn us to electrical power shortage, experts recommend Arizonans invest in water witches, matches, hibachis and U-Hauls
RFK JR SAY “MEGA DROUGHT IS FOR THE BEST”, LINKS RAIN TO MEASLES, AUTISM
“My right to own a lawn sprinkler shall not be infringed” protestor shot
Colorado River downgraded to “Crick” by Feds
RIVER RAFTING OUTFITTER OFFERING ‘CHANCE OF LIFETIME’ HIKE DOWN LENGTH OF GRAND CANYON’S ‘DRIED COLORADO RIVER BED IN 112°’
REMAINING ARIZONANS “HAVE FINGERS CROSSED” GLOBAL DEMAND FOR HOT SAND IMPROVES
Crops fail, food chains collapse, Tucsonans learning to farm drought resistant native beans, squash and corn with harvested rainwater, combat Phoenix mutants
FOOD SUPPLY CRISIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE, EXPERTS SAY
You Knew This was Coming Every Time You Brushed Your Teeth for Twenty Minutes and Showered for an Hour Mr. Guzzling Goober
Charlatan Rainmakers descend on Mesa, Gilbert, Apache Junction
SCOTTSDALE HOMEOWNER BEATEN TO DEATH BY “MASKED WATER AVENGER” WITH GARDEN HOSE OVER BERMUDA LAWN
POTABLE WATER “OVERRATED” SAY AREA HOME DEVELOPERS
OUT OF STATE CORPORATE GROWER WITNESSED SUCKING GROUNDWATER WITH ACTUAL STRAW OUTSIDE WILLCOX, BEATEN TO DEATH BY MOB
WATER MORE EXPENSIVE THAN VINTAGE IRANIAN PETROL
From Empty CAP Canal to World’s Longest Solar Covered Skate Park
7 STATES, WATER COMPANIES, MOVE BEYOND LITIGATION TO DRONE WARFARE
‘ECO-NATION’ OCCUPIES DESALINATION PLANT
Execution of “Merchants of Endless Unregulated Growth” Livestreamed by “Sons of Ed Abbey”
2032 WATER WAR WAGED IN SOUTHWEST “WATER UNDER BRIDGE” SAYS HAVASU WATER CZAR STANDING ATOP POINTLESS LONDON BRIDGE
SHOCK POLL: 67% of Arizonans believe their water ‘comes from tiny lizard people who live under their sinks injecting fluoride and lying about water shortages’
RECYCLED BURRO WASTE WATER BLEND WINS TASTE AWARD AT BUCKEYE OASIS
DESALINATED ‘SEA OF CORTEZ’ A COOL DRINK OF WATER ON A HOT DAY SAY ZONANS DWELLING IN DUNESVILLE
DON JUNIOR TO INVEST IN PILLOW GUY’S ‘WATER PLAN’ TO NUKE “DRONE FLOWN” ICEBERGS OVER ARIZONA RIVERBEDS
“You knew it was a desert when you moved here” wins Chamber of Commerce Motto Contest for 2036
Homeowners panic over water rates making properties unaffordable, unsaleable, thirst for foresight as region gets drier, hotter
Drinking water falls from favor, alcohol consumption rebounds, too many drunks combusting like fully fueled tiki torches
God says Uh-Oh Rain Water Harvesting fad catching on just as Epoch of Rains drying up
See you later, agitators.
D
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