How important is the spark?

My favourite TV show of all time is First Dates, there I said it.

Why does it get the top spot? It’s just so versatile. I like to watch it alone on a rainy day or to lift me out of a hangover, and I love to watch it with friends - continuously talking over the narrator and making sure-fire predictions about which couples are going to be a perfect match.

One thing guaranteed to come up on any episode of First Dates and in just about any other media concerning relationships is The Spark.

Whether we’re feeling it, desperately trying to get it back or questioning it’s meaning - The Spark holds a special place in our cultural conversation around love.

When we’re single and meeting someone for the first time, the feeling of butterflies is often the thing we look for to tells us we’re on to something. And it’s the lack of this feeling that we will sometimes give as the reason for not pursuing a second date. “he is [nice/funny/cute/interesting] but I just didn’t feel a spark” - I’ve used this more times than I can remember.

But recently, as relationship coaching becomes increasingly mainstream, we are learning that the spark might not be all it’s cracked up to be and actually could be leading us astray. We can become blinded by the intoxication of chemistry and start to overlook whether or not that person is compatible with us at a deeper level.

Jillian Turecki discusses how to be more discerning when choosing who to partner with.

But what if you don’t feel the spark on that first or second date?

How patient should you be?

Maybe the important thing isn’t how much time you spend on assessing the dynamic, but how you feel while doing it. Try to get as much data as possible, ask questions that will help you to understand the other person’s values and world view.

On an episode of Esther Perel’s Where Should We Begin podcast, she suggests bringing an early date along to something with your group of friends so that you can find out (quickly) how they show up around other people, and get an indication of whether they can integrate into your life.

Dating shouldn’t feel like a chore but it can feel that way when we start to treat it like an exhaustive search for “the one”. So if someone makes you feel good, try being present and enjoying the experience at face value. Be genuinely curious about your date and open minded about where things might go.

Deborah Levy’s 2018 memoir The Cost Of Living is a moving and wry meditation on what it means to be a woman in our modern world. Part two of the writer’s three-part 'Living Autobiography' series, the book opens after Levy’s separation from her husband and follows the forging of her new life whilst trying to maintain a living as a writer. The writing is at once dreamy and squarely rooted in the day to day of family life - in one passage Levy describes being looked down on by her neighbour, who growls at her through a smile about the inappropriate parking of her e-bike. As a single person I sometimes feel the burden of figuring things out on my own and this book made me feel seen.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Date Night. If you have ideas for future topics or just want to keep the conversation going please get in touch! And don’t forget to share this with anyone you think might find it valuable.

Share Date Night