The School of Life released a video this week titled What Dating Apps Misunderstand About Love, and the comments section exploded into debate with one commenter claiming that ‘meeting someone online is hell in life for those who are looking for real love’. Woah.
It seems that anyone who has ever tried using dating apps has a strong opinion on whether they do or don’t “work” and there has been increased scrutiny and speculation over the impact of dating apps in 2024. On Valentine’s Day this year, a lawsuit was filed against Match Group (the company behind Hinge, Tinder and Match) claiming that the company is responsible for contributing to addictive behaviour, as the result of a predatory business model.
Whether or not dating apps are actually addictive is still up for debate and not enough research has been conducted to know for sure. However, many of us are treating them in the same way that we do other social media platforms. We reach for them when we need a little ego stroke or just something to distract us during the work day. And of course these apps, like most others are designed to be fun to use and to give us the serotonin boost that we are craving.
For most people, the use of dating apps seems unavoidable and I would bet that everyone reading this knows at least a few couples who met online and have stayed together for a significant period of time.
The School of Life’s perspective has something to offer here. The video describes the way that we now have the opportunity to meet infinite people and therefore have infinite dates. This breadth of choice can lead to an impatience regarding getting to know someone. We meet for a couple of drinks and then decide that we don’t like the way they tell stories, they aren’t into the same music, they haven’t asked enough questions and on and on. Back to the apps, next date.
So, if our general experience is of cycling through dates and always finding a reason to not see that person again, coupled with the endless scroll/swipe…it’s no surprise that we start to find the apps tedious.
The obvious change we can make is to try to open ourselves up to more IRL encounters. I’m going to leave you on a tepid cliff hanger here and cover this in a future edition but spoiler alert: it is still possible.
The School of Life advocates for cultivating a more intentional approach to dating, accepting that we are all difficult to love in our own unique ways, and that instead of ceaselessly scrolling (literally and figuratively) until we find the “right” person, we must spend time getting to know someone before ruling them out.
This requires patience, empathy and ultimately, time. With this in mind they even have suggested questions to ask on a date, including “what has made you cry in recent times?” and “what do you regret?”.
These questions are designed to help us understand the deep self of the other person, and to give us the opportunity to be an attentive listener - something we all crave.
If you’re in a relationship and you stuck with me to this point, then this part is for you! This type of curiosity and a focused attention on the other person can be an effective way to build intimacy and empathy within your relationship at any stage.
Finally, we may also want to reflect on our relationship with dating apps and take steps to make our time spent with them more enjoyable and less draining. Here are some things you could try:
Reduce your overall time spent on the app, and time-box your usage. Allocate a specific time of day where you’re allowed to swipe and then limit that time to whatever feels good for you. To know how long is too long, the next time you use the app note the time and then try to notice when your genuine attention and interest starts to wane. This goes hand in hand with being more mindful and present. Swiping and watching tv? no. swiping and talking to a friend? double no.
When you match with someone, make the first move. This might be especially difficult for women who date men to adopt because we have been taught for most of our lives that men should always make the first move and if they don’t then they aren’t interested. Let’s park all of the reasons why that is outdated and sexist for now, and just focus on this: positive actions bring more positive actions. If they don’t respond? you can move on knowing that you showed up authentically. People will usually do what they’re going to do without your input, so let’s be kinder to ourselves and try to be less concerned about looking “desperate”.
Stop talking shit about the apps (no, I am not being sponsored by Match). There is a ton of research to show that repeated complaining rewires your brain for negativity. Invite positivity into your dating experience by embracing dating apps at face value and focusing on the amazing benefits. For example, think of the thrill you get when you match with that other person who also loves 70s Iranian disco…Just me?
As if by fate, this first Date Night falls in the same week as the New York Times Magazine’s modern love issue.
I’m a 90’s rom-com devotee, so I was immediately drawn to Sam Anderson’s article The Rom-Com That’s Responsible for My Marriage and found a new movie to add to my rainy day watch list.
I also enjoyed deciphering each of these cute illustrations of cupid’s arrow.
I hope you enjoyed the first edition of Date Night. If you have ideas for future topics or just want to keep the conversation going please get in touch! And don’t forget to share this with anyone you think might find it valuable.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.