Ten Things I Have in Common with Trump

I’ve spent a lot of time disagreeing with every aspect of this man, who has made George W. Bush seem like a towering intellectual and Richard Nixon look like Atticus Finch.

Still, after some honest introspection, I have found some similarities between us.

We Have Each Been Married Three Times

None of my wives married me for my money, or left me because I was cheating on them, or circumvented standard immigration processes to enter the country, or attended the parties of a sex trafficker and pedophile, but, like Trump, I have been married three times.

I Like Gold

I prefer silver for most metallic things, but gold can be nice sometimes. Small, tasteful bits of gold jewelry can be lovely, and I like the gold leaf in some of Gustav Klimt’s paintings. Gold can be breathtaking in a sunset, and it looks cool on an Oscar statue. I wouldn’t cover every room of my home and office with gaudy gold knick-knacks and gewgaws like a profoundly insecure James Bond villain, but I like the color in certain applications.

I Enjoy Sporting an Unconventional Appearance

I often wear quirky, creative clothing, and I enjoy different kinds of hats. I wouldn’t be the only person not wearing black at a Pope’s funeral, however, or wear a hairstyle that resembled a rodent tornado. But I can’t deny that I enjoy non-traditional fashions from time to time.

I’ve Put My Name on Things

When I went to camp as a kid, I put my name on the waistband of my underwear so it wouldn’t get lost. I’ve also put my name on my credit cards and in my email address. I’ve put my name on my tax returns, and also on the checks I’ve used to pay my fair share of income tax every year since I was 18. I’ve resisted slapping my name on previously named buildings, scam universities, steaks, Bibles, golf courses, watches, mobile phones, cryptocurrency, or spray-painted sneakers, but like Mr. Trump, I have put my name on some things.

I May Fall Asleep During Meetings

Knowing this about myself, I have avoided occupations in which meetings are likely to occur. Accordingly, I rarely engage in activities of any sort that may infringe on my afternoon nap, but if I had to attend meetings of some kind, like Trump, I might nod off through them. In contrast to Trump, however, I would likely be able to remain awake and attentive if the well-being of our entire species hung in the balance.

I Have Lied, Cheated, and Stolen

When I was in the seventh grade, my dad asked me if I’d done my math homework, and I lied and said that I had. During a pop quiz the next day, I pilfered a couple of answers from a fellow student. During summer break that same year, I let a friend talk me into shoplifting a package of SweetTarts from a convenience store. Though I did not scam my way through a prestigious university, have not lied to the entire world hundreds of times each day, or stolen billions through insider trading and extortion of others over whom I have power, I have lied, cheated, and stolen. Unlike Trump, I felt shame over it.

I Have Fantasized About Being a Superhero

When I was four years old, my mother ordered a Superman suit for me from a catalog and snapped a photo of me posing in it before I went outside and pretended to fly. I was not an 80-year-old leader of the (previously) free world, nor did I share those images on social media, but my mother kept the photo in my childhood scrapbook.

I Have Made People Laugh

I’ve published a lot of cartoons that people have said made them laugh, and I used to do a bit of stand-up comedy. True, I’ve not been a constant embarrassment to myself, my family, and my country, and risen to the level of international laughingstock, but who knows what the future holds?

I’ve Lost a Step or Two Since My Youth

There was a time when I was a quick study and had tons of energy, but now, in all honesty, I wouldn’t trust myself to be president of my neighborhood watch group. But if I were, I would not send those under my command across town to kill or extort the residents of another neighborhood. Like Trump, I am no longer mentally sharp or energetic enough to be in charge of anything more complex than my napping schedule. Unlike Trump, however, I can admit it.

I Would Go to Great Lengths to Stay Out of Jail

I’ve never molested women or minors, stolen classified documents, been convicted on 34 counts of falsifying business records by hiding hush payments to a porn star, defrauded the IRS, violated the RICO act, incited sedition, conspired with enemies of my country, lied to the US Congress, knowingly jailed and/or deported tens of thousands of innocent people, or started a war to distract the nation from my habitual participation in the orgies of my best friend, a convicted sex trafficker of minors. Still, like Trump, I would try to stay out of jail at all costs. Unlike him, in doing so, I would go so far as to avoid committing serious crimes.

With all these characteristics and life choices in common, I suppose I should not be the one to throw the first stone. But I cannot honestly say I would not experience some modicum of glee should he be buried under an avalanche of boulders.

More of my comics: Bizarro.com/blog

My graphic novel in progress: PeyoteCowboy.net

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