Maybe Your Attachment Style Isn't the Problem

As a therapist, I draw on attachment theory to help my clients navigate their lives, and I am glad that it has gained popularity, allowing people to name their vague feelings through it. There is one problem, though: social media is portraying it as a permanent label, which is not true. What attachment theory really does is that it only helps you name what you are feeling in a relationship based on your tendencies in that relationship.

It’s totally possible that one person can have a secure attachment style with one person and an anxious attachment style with a different person. The reason behind this is simple: relationships are an interactive model; there are two parties involved in it. Your behaviour impacts your partner’s behaviour and vice versa.

Attachment theory can’t explain why you are exhibiting those patterns. For example, a person can have an anxious attachment style because of inconsistent caregivers in childhood, and another person can have an anxious attachment because their partner is inconsistent and disappears for hours without any communication. Both of these individuals exhibit the same patterns but due to different reasons.

Now, the problem is that people sometimes use this label for themselves or their partner to label them. The label gives us a simple explanation, but sometimes that explanation might not be accurate. Also, people love to diagnose themselves; instead of doing the hard work of understanding their partner, they simply label themselves as anxious or avoidant as if they are some sort of disorder.

So how do you know whether what you’re feeling is an old attachment pattern or an accurate response to what is happening now?

This is where it becomes a bit complicated.