Gift Guide for America's 250th

Not sure what to get the country that has everything—but wants more? Shop these patriotic picks commemorating 250 Independence Days. That’s almost enough Independence Days to make an Independent Year.

• A birthday cake the size of Kansas.

• A four-pack of for-profit prisons.

• A whiteboard map with dry-erase borders. Rename any international destination of your choosing!

• The freedom to ignore freedom of religion.

• 250% off gas prices. So, like, $7 a gallon.

• A coupon to censor one newspaper, late night host, or snowflake journalist (custom gag orders coming soon).

• An Executive Order to Americanize any foreign food items. Say goodbye to Swedish meatballs, Greek yogurt, and Thai iced tea—but you can keep Irish coffee. Mexican pizza is banned (duh).

• 250 balloons (helium sold separately).

• A new flag that better reflects our heritage. Red and blue—replaced with white, obviously. But you can add a picture of a gun if you want.

• .00001 of a commemorative crypto coin. No monetary value.

• The Deport-o-matic. Pretty much a package scanner, but for people—with an “emergency eject” button for suspicious immigrants and/or US citizens.

• A no-holds-barred, no-regulations weekend. Chop down your neighbor’s cherry tree. Chop down your tree-hating neighbor. Think of it like The Purge, except—well, no, it’s exactly The Purge.

• A revitalized auto industry. Just kidding. It’s a birthday, not the Resurrection.

• A new Tesla. Pick one up on the White House lawn, set the autopilot, and rest your eyes (maybe forever!) as you’re driven directly into the Gulf of America.

• The right to declare war on any country without congressional approval. Oh, you’re already doing that? Save it for your big day, mister!

• A special broadcast birthday celebration on The View. But be warned: Joy Behar will insist everyone sing, and Meghan McCain will blow out your candles.