Failed Attempts to Get My Doctor to Prescribe Ozempic

Asking how much weight I’d need to gain to tip the scales.

Presenting a food journal of every Hostess product I’ve consumed this year, along with an addendum of DoorDash receipts.

Suggesting we go halvsies on the prescription and split the injections 60/40.

Giving her a Zoom tour of my pantry—stocked with nothing but saturated fats.

Joining every telehealth appointment from my reserved booth at the Golden Corral buffet.

Jiggling my paunch at the camera like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause (“Does this look like a little weight to you?”).

Proposing a “trial period” to see if I’m an ideal candidate—the way some people are natural runners, and I am a natural sedentarian.

Pointing out every gaunt-faced celebrity who absolutely isn’t obese but is definitely taking GLP-1s.

Sending an envelope containing three years’ worth of buttons that have popped off my khakis.

Offering to snap progress pictures as I ascend from Pillsbury Doughboy to sculpted Adonis.

Volunteering to sign something that absolves her of all liability. Please see OZEMPIC_WAIVER_FINAL_V9.pdf.

Forwarding her a screenshot of my Apple Watch congratulating me for standing nine times in one day (legit a big deal) and racking up a whopping 502 steps.

Casually mentioning my grandfather had “sugar issues,” then, when pressed for details, admitting he wasn’t diabetic, he just liked to put Lucky Charms in his coffee.

Ambushing her with a conference call between me, a nutritionist I found on Fiverr, and the front desk guy at LA Fitness—who has no clue who I am, only strengthening my argument.

Using whipped cream to spray a frowny face on my stomach.

Sharing my screen and filling my grocery cart one sugary, calorie-dense treat at a time until she snaps.

Threatening that if she won’t do it, I’ll just order a riskier, more expensive version on Facebook Marketplace.

Promising to work out three times per week, eat healthy, reframe cravings, and get regular lab work—which I thought showed real moxie. My doctor: “You’re describing exactly what you’re supposed to do without the medication.”

Clarify that I’m willing to pay in cash, crypto, or tasteful nudes.