Much of the language around meditation and Buddhism signals passivity. Letting go, surrendering, loving-kindness. On the surface, it sounds like a recipe for becoming a pushover.
But that is manifestly not the point. You can be kind and also stick up for yourself. What Buddhism helps you do is respond wisely to situations instead of reacting blindly.
There’s a classic story of a young meditation student asking an Indian master about how to practice compassion when somebody’s trying to mug you. The teacher said something to the effect of, “Take your umbrella and smack them as compassionately as possible.”
I had a conversation recently with the Buddhist teacher Susan Piver about how to find the middle path between being a doormat and being a dick. She had four suggestions for saying no without creating unnecessary conflict.
Know when you’re running on empty. Most of us don’t realize we need a boundary until we’re already resentful. Before you can hold a line with anyone, you need to know your own rhythms and internal state. Take a few days and try to simply notice what leaves you feeling emptied versus what doesn’t. You should get that data before making any big decisions or embarking on any tough conversations.
Reframe what a limit is for. A boundary isn’t just about self-protection, it’s about protecting your relationships. Or, as Susan says, it is about not showing up depleted for the people who need you. A limit is how you make sure you have something left when it actually matters.
Repair, don’t ruminate. When you get a boundary wrong—too loose or too rigid— you don’t need to belabor the apology. A short acknowledgement will do. E.g. “I’m sorry, I got grumpy with you.” Susan calls this cleaning up after yourself. Do it, then move on.
Notice where your attention is going without your permission. We usually think of boundaries as something we set with people. But Susan argues we also need boundaries with technology. Every notification, every outrage cycle, every infinite feed is asking for your attention. You don’t have to say yes.
For the full conversation, check out my recent podcast conversation with Susan. Aside from Buddhist boundary setting, we also talk about the difference between healing and fixing; how to use meditation to boost your creativity; and while you should never leave dishes in the sink overnight.
To practice with great teachers, check out my app — guided meditations, live teacher-led sessions, and real people doing it with you. Life is better in the carpool lane. (Introverts, no trust falls required — camera off is fine.)
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