For the last couple of weeks, I have had this unshakeable angst, a form of anxiety looming over me. I have been in startups long enough now to know that intense emotions are part of this game, but for some reason this was something new, something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It wasn’t coming from a place of purpose, clarity or vision. Those things are just as strong as ever. I thought perhaps it came from a place of passion, or needing a bout of finding inspiration again, which is understandable enough, since anyone on this journey knows that is a continual cycle that requires you to keep regaining your footing. That helped. It still didn’t seem to be it. It was something deeper, something I hadn’t really dealt with since the beginning of my startup journey.
It took me a while, but I finally figured out a couple of days ago that the crux of it came down to a loss of faith. Not a loss of faith in ideas, but in the process. I had started tying myself to the outcomes of my effort rather than to the effort itself.
Very early on in the startup journey, I realized the only way of getting through this is by trusting that something will make your life work. Whether it is God or the universe, you get through it by believing that something is looking over you. Armed with that belief and a love of the process, one becomes unstoppable. Lose either of them and you start to lose your way.
To me this goes far beyond just startups. It has to go across all aspects of your life. Relationships, personal circumstances, moving, whatever the case is, having some sort of faith that things will work out is the only way you get through it.
This was essentially beaten into me early on. When I was bootstrapping it is the only way I stayed afloat. I went months without a win, with each incoming crisis getting worse than the last. Moving across the world every month, customers flaking, customers literally dying, dwindling savings, sleeping on couches. I was given every reason in the world to stop. Eventually I had to. But the only reason I was able to do it for as long as I did was because I never tied success to the outcome but rather to the process of it all, and because I held faith that one day, something would work out.
Which brought me to the other side of it all. Unexpectedly, what I would determine as a low in my life suddenly flipped into some level of success. The universe finally shook something out my way. It was nice. Fresh off the experiences, I recognized that all of this could be taken away in a second, so I kept the same process, the same mindset, and never let the success be the driver but rather the process of continually getting better.
With enough time, though, it is easy to get set off track. I see now that for the last couple of weeks, that is what has happened. My motivation has been dictated by wanting certain outcomes. Needing those outcomes. And every day I don’t have them, the farther I stray from the peace I need to keep getting better.
I can usually catch it in my decisions before I catch it in my mood. When I am attached to an outcome, I move too early. I read far too much into a single conversation. I chase the thing that would resolve the feeling rather than the thing that is actually correct. The irony of it is that needing the outcome is the surest way I know to not get it.
None of which is really about caring less. If anything it asks more of you, because once the result is off the table, the only thing left to judge yourself against is the work itself, whether it was done fully and done well. That is also the only standard that was ever actually yours. You cannot control much beyond your own effort, so that is where the faith has to sit.
I need to come back to a place of surrendering my effort to whatever outcome befits me. To having complete trust in the process, no matter how far off the path it takes me. Keeping belief in self determination so that I do what needs to be done, but ultimately letting it just set a direction into an unknown sea. Being satisfied that no matter what happens, the universe is taking care of me.
The angst, I think, was only ever the signal that I had drifted from that.
Check out this Podcast Episode!
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In this episode of Building Blocks, we sit down with Emre Ertan, co-founder and co-CEO of Cenoa, a borderless super wallet revolutionizing how people in emerging markets access digital dollars.
Previously the CPO/CTO at Getir where he scaled the engineering team from 80 to 400 people, Emre shares his journey from a small town in Turkey to Silicon Valley, and how that experience shaped his vision for democratizing financial access globally.
He discusses Cenoa’s explosive growth in Nigeria (50K+ signups in first month), their innovative approach to simplifying blockchain technology for everyday users, and his perspectives on building compliant fintech products across 40+ markets.
Thanks for reading,
Daivik Goel
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