Hello, I’m Shane McMurphadoodle and I’m running for office. I’m here to clean up my office, your office and everyone’s home office in our beautiful Slub county with rolling tumbleweeds and 1 star motels!
Did you know 4 out of 5 home offices are disorganized, unkempt, with dust-ballyhoos in the corner and piles of catalog-noggins and coupons shuffled between bills? Many of you rely on mama’s old baskets where items are tossed and never seen again. You may as well use a garbage can to house your important documents!
Where are your kids baby teeth? You can finally make a bracelet out of them. Where is your birth certificate? Your passport? Who needs one when you can visit the bustling, dodgy town of Shady Minds 4 miles away?
We will transform this office!
Sticky keyboards that need WD40 are easy fixes! That Dell computer that’s always running low on battery needs nothing more than a $5 extension cord sold to you by Jimbo Dalesdy! (Only $4 of that goes to my campaign!) How long ago did that CVS coupon expire? Recycle it! Use it for ribbon on the Christmas tree!
Your current Slub County Representative, I won’t say his name, (Cameron Donaldsonistonish), only cares about the kitchen. Of course, we need the room with food but how will we pay for that food if you lost your electric bill thereby shuttling down your utility. No paid bill, no electric. No electric, no fridge. No fridge, no food.
How will you live!?
You need me to win this office so you can win back your office! Once I clean up this office and your office, we will take a closer look at what the incumbent who shall not be named, (Cameron Donaldsonistonish), has done to your kitchen!
Is there 1 lone ant that appears out of nowhere, only to be replaced by another after you’ve squashed it, and you can’t find where the devil they’re coming from? Is there something mysteriously gummy on the fridge shelf that won’t wipe away? Are you able to eat at your kitchen table or is it covered in backpacks, doilies from a meal three weeks ago, 4 days of mail and the Frantico’s shopper’s bulletin that should be torn apart for clippable coupons?
I care about these things. So should you! And that’s the truth of it!
A little something about me. I come from a long line of little guy’s. My great grandpa was 4’3”. My daddy was a little guy too and no one cared about his office. You know why? He didn’t have an office. Only the 1% had a home office before the great Covidianidis. Daddy didn’t even have a kitchen table. My parents lived in a mud hut in Crackston, Ohio—way up high in the Dead Pan Flats.
And that’s the truth of it.
My first job when I was eight, maybe fourteen, was at the Burger Giant run by my friend’s cousin where I flipped Canadian ham (aka “Spam”). I worked my way up to siphoning tap water from the bathtub for customers when they were thirsty. Then I moved to the big city of Gainer and with my savings I bought my first RV outhouse. I’m now a proud owner of 44 outhouses with plans to expand and offer executive outhouses with an attached office. My new slogan-- You can do your business while you do your business.
And that’s the truth of it.
So, when you vote in August, when everyone else is out of town, vote for me, Shane McMurphadoodle for office!
I care about your home and your home office!
Paid for by theorganizedfolksforshanemcmurphadoodle.org
I guess I missed writing character monologues.
Would you vote for Shane?
How are you?
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.