"Unsolicited Advice"

When someone says, “May I offer you some unsolicited advice” or some variation of that phrase, what’s your first reaction? Not what you say, or think, but how you feel.

Notice your body’s reaction. You see, your body doesn’t lie. There are physiological responses to threats. Not just threats to your ego but also threats to your time, your focus, your energy.

This advice can come from:

• People who barely know you, much less know you well enough to offer advice

• People who’ve known you your whole life

• People who think they know you, but might know only a piece of you or are working from an outdated version of you

What is important is to know yourself and how you choose to reply.

For entrepreneurs, especially those of us embarking on a new venture, “advisors” can pop up out of nowhere. Some sincerely want to help. Others are just looking for an opportunity to coach you or sell you something.

To be clear, I’m not saying to be closed off from getting advice or feedback from others. Just that there’s just a big difference between solicited and unsolicited.

A version of this happened to me the other day. Someone I barely knew, who didn’t seem to know (or want to know) anything about me. I felt those feelings. For me it was tensing with an ominous sense of future deflation. I time-traveled into the future as to how the conversation would go. They’d tell me something I’m doing wrong. I’d have to explain or defend my actions. They’d press further, and I could see how easily I could become weakened. Vulnerable. A victim.

Recently I wrote a blog entitled, “Yaysayers Wanted,” where I discuss the kinds of people I want in my life: “I would rather have friends who tell me, ‘I’ll be there with champagne.🍾 Or tissues.’ CLICK HERE to read that post.

Keeping that in mind (and honoring my body or Inner Self’s* response), I considered my response. I could not say anything, but for me that would still leave it unfinished and swirling in my brain. I could say, “No thanks,” but that didn’t feel satisfying or fit my personality. And it wouldn’t have set a clear enough boundary.

Instead, I replied, “Honestly, I don’t feel like you know me well enough to give me feedback.”

When I replied the way I did, I wasn’t only setting a limit. I showed myself how much I’ve evolved. The old me might have explained. Defended. Softened it. I might have even offered gratitude that they cared (even when deep down, my body knew better). This time I listened, but not to them. To myself.

And I felt free! 🤸

Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor Frankl

So the next time someone offers advice you never asked for, notice what your body does. Then notice what you choose. Your response isn’t really about them at all. It’s a measuring stick for who you’ve become. 🪞

That’s why I don’t dread the question anymore. “Can I be real with you?” used to feel like a threat. Now it feels almost like a gift: a chance to look in the mirror and like what I see. ✨

Keep exploring! 🧭

Brownell

*My books, Five Reasons Why Bad Things Happen and my new book, The Art & Science of Wishing get into depth on the “Three Selves.”