What Is Reciprocity Without a Scorecard?

On my walk this morning, I started thinking about reciprocity.

There is something important in what I am wrestling with because I hear two different questions underneath it.

One is, “Who can I trust?” Whatever that really means.

The other feels more painful:

“Have I done enough to deserve, or earn reciprocity?”

I need to separate those questions.

Reciprocity is not a transaction where I accumulate enough deposits into people and eventually earn the right to have them show up for me.

I can be generous, available, encouraging, connected, and deeply invested in other people and still discover that some relationships do not have the capacity to hold me in the same way I have held them.

That does not necessarily make those relationships false or bad.

It may actually reveal more about what kind of relationships they actually are.

Perhaps that is part of what selling Strong CORE is exposing in me.

I have spent years teaching about community, connection, relationships, and the importance of showing up for people. Now I have created something deeply personal and placed it into the world. #Scary

Naturally, there is a part of me looking around and wondering:

“Who is reading it and what do they honestly think?”

Not simply, “Who bought the book?”

AND for those in my circle…

• Who shared it without being asked?

• Who text, called or sent a selfie holding the book?

• Who is advocating for me and opening new doors of opportunity?

• Who said, “I see what you are building and how can I help carry it?”

When those people do not appear in the ways I imagined, it can make me reevaluate the history of the relationships themselves.

AND… I have to be careful not to turn that into a story of my value and make it a verdict about whether I have earned reciprocity.

There is another possibility.

A reframe.

Maybe, and I really hate that word right now, but we can cover that in another post, I have a lot of connection but less mutuality than I thought.

I may know many people.

Many people may genuinely care about me.

I may have influenced hundreds or even thousands of people.

But being known, appreciated, respected, connected to, and even loved are not necessarily the same as having relationships in which someone instinctively reaches back for me.

That realization can hurt.

It also raises a fascinating question that feels much bigger than the book:

• What is reciprocity when there is no scorecard?

Maybe reciprocity is not, “I did this for you, so you should do this for me.”

Maybe it is:

“When something matters to me, does it matter to you because I matter to you?”

That is very different.

I do not want to turn relationships into accounting exercises. I do not want to keep a running tally of who shared what, who called first, or who opened which door.

That is not the kind of relationship I want.

At the same time, refusing to keep score does not mean refusing to notice patterns.

Perhaps trust is learning where I can safely place an expectation of mutuality without requiring every relationship to carry it.

I may ultimately discover that the question is not whether I have earned the right to receive.

It is whether I have accurately understood which relationships in my life are capable of reciprocity.

That feels like some real inner work.

And strangely enough, it sounds a whole lot like the Strong CORE journey I am living right now.

If this reflection stirred something in you, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments:

• What is reciprocity when there is no scorecard?

And if you have not gotten Strong CORE into your hands yet, you can pick up your copy on Amazon here.

If you have already read it, I would be grateful if you would share what stayed with you in the comments and leave an honest review on Amazon. Your words help this work reach the people who may need it.