The Real Reason You're Not Doing What You Want With Your Life

According to Bronnie Ware, a hospice nurse and author of the legendary bestselling book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, the number one regret of the dying is: “I wish I had lived my life for me and done what I really wanted.”

Most of us have dreams, ideas, passions we don’t pursue. And it seems like we have such good reasons: it’s too late for that, I’m too old now, I don’t have enough money, I don’t have time, it would never work, I’m not qualified, I don’t know where to start. I hear all these things from my clients, and I’ve said them to myself.

When you watch someone you know, or someone you follow on social media who’s out there making it happen, it looks like it’s all going gangbusters. It seems like they really know what they want and have a clear plan to go after it. But that’s rarely the case. Most people have no idea what they really want.

They have a few ideas they’re not sure about, but they dismiss them as quickly as they pop up, like a game of mental whack a mole. They’re riddled with self-doubt and facing so many inner challenges and thoughts telling them, don’t do it or it won’t work, that they never even get on the runway with their ideas. And then there’s all the setbacks, failures, no’s, rejections, and disappointments. They’re no fun, but the anticipation of them is far worse than they feel in reality.

Whether you’re scared to leave a relationship or a job that no longer fits, coming out of a divorce and not sure how to rebuild, facing an empty nest, or standing at a crossroads at midlife not sure what you want to do next, you’re probably not stuck for the reasons you think.

During my own season of reinvention, launching my first book and stepping into new work in podcasting and media, I went through many moments of doubt, indecision, and downright unpleasant experiences that made me question my aspirations. I got ghosted by colleagues, lost friendships, and was rejected by opportunities I thought were a sure fit.

This kind of stuff can create a lot of guck in your brain telling you to pull back. There were so many days I just wanted to pack up my cookies and go home, to curl up and stay safe in the cocoon of my therapist identity and perfectly lovely, already-established life.

After a book launch and everything that goes into it, you come out the other side exhausted, and kind of burned out. It’s very easy to think: what next? I don’t know. I just want to go live in a cave somewhere and do nothing.

But that feeling is fleeting. Because underneath it, there’s also excitement and passion. I know this is just the beginning. I know I want more. But I also know I don’t have it all figured out. Actually, right now I don’t think I have any of it figured out. My mind sometimes tells me that means I should stop. But because I understand what my brain is trying to do and why, I don’t let those false narratives hold me back.

Its job is to protect you from anything that could cause harm, and growth means making yourself very vulnerable: to risk, rejection, and failure. All of these experiences are akin to death from a nervous system perspective, so naturally your brain says, hell no! It fills you with doubt and fear and stories about your limitations. It doesn’t want you to make a costly mistake that could ruin your life.

The problem is it does such a good job of keeping you alive that if it had its way, you wouldn’t take any risks at all. It would rather you go live in a cave. It would rather you stick with the status quo, even if you’re miserable. And certainly, if your life feels fine but you’re hungry for something more, your brain will tell you that would be waaayyy too much work, and probably a total waste of time.

So if you don’t want to be on your deathbed saying I wish I had done what I really wanted, you have to take those risks now. Even though your brain will disagree with me. There’s no better time to start the business, leave the empty-shell marriage, make your dream side hustle a reality, or write the damn book you’ve been thinking about for years.

Yes, a new path will involve periods of confusion, doubt, stagnation and wanting to quit. But you can march forward knowing that’s just your good ol’ brain doing its thing. There’s always going to be noise. You have to know when to tune in and when to tune it out.

You can be in charge of those stray survival thoughts. You can feel the fear, allow it to breathe, and keep moving forward.

In the end what will actually make you successful is quite simple: just don’t quit. Be willing to not know and feel uncomfortable. Be willing to try things, mess them up, learn from them, and pivot. Most importantly be willing to be humble and brave and adventurous.

You’ll always regret not trying. In the end, it’s highly unlikely you’ll regret a little suffering along the way.

What’s one thing you’d love to do that you keep talking yourself out of? Let me know in the comments.

And if you’re feeling stuck and want support, I can help.

Until next week,
Colette xo