on The Void

dear dreamers,

i’m writing to you from a sun-baked French cafe on the corner of a lovely + lively neighborhood in San Francisco, awaiting my trademark chocolate croissant – a ritual i’ve created when grounding down in a new place. many of you know my on-again, off-again love affair with this magic city. this time around, it’s a familiar, soft place to land for a bit with a new furry little friend (named Greg) as winter seeps into my bones. i’m excited about the twinkling lights adorning dazzling Victorians, warm drinks and laughter-warmed cheeks with dear friends, and an inspiring landscape as i continue to piece together spinning my dreams into reality. i’m looking forward to lingering + wandering, as i tend to do. overhearing snippets of peoples lives, walking the hills and peering up into the warmly-lit, Christmas tree-filled picture frames into others’ cozy little worlds.

a few things have been on my my mind lately:

lately i’ve been learning the power and the challenge of being your own biggest supporter. as someone whose inner monologue had historically been being my own biggest critic, it’s taken a long and windy road to get this far. this looks like: turning i can’ts into i can’s, catching myself putting a cap on my big dreams and flipping the script, and mostly – learning to follow my purpose, rather than practicality. as the latter was the basis of my entire reality growing up as it was what was modeled for me as a child, it’s been a trip to create a new version of my own reality – fueled by getting creative with life, following my intuition, and believing in mymuthafuckinself.

i’ve also been trying out actively avoiding forcing anything in my life, and instead trusting things will unfold in their own way and in their own time. by nature, i’m a doer. i like to bring people together, get out and explore my surroundings, work hard under pressure. when i’m at a high and my most radiant self, i absolutely love this quality of myself. and i’m finding that the shadow side of that quality is this intrinsic desire for control when i’m at a low – in those quiet, Alone moments where that dull ache, the familiar feeling of The Void creeps in. (and there tend to be a lot of those moments in these darker, colder months) i’ve always tried to fill that sense of emptiness, that discomfort with so many things without really realizing it. manically making plans with friends that i don’t actually have the bandwidth to uphold, numbing or distracting myself with various vices, usually paired with some other repetitive unconscious habits that i had conditioned myself to think helped with alleviating that uncomfy feeling. what i thought was self-soothing turned out to be deeply ingrained avoidance.

the further into this human experience i get, i find that the things that scare us the most or stir up discomfort (within reason) are usually just spooky masks concealing some hidden part of you, of life, that deserves more attention and affection. so i guess now i’m trying to hang out in The Void in a real way when it shows up. letting myself feel all the weirdness, and know that it’s usually pointing to something i’ve been avoiding looking at. kinda collabing with The Void, u know? it’s an endless process and i don’t know if i’ll ever master it, but it’s nice to feel like i’m trying and The Void is getting a little less spooky.

i am sending you all warmth, love, and support in whatever you’re working through or towards right now. you can fucking do it. there’s no rush.

all my love,
coley