on dinner with my demons

there are few things i love more than a slow sunday.

letting my body rise when it decides to, lounging in soft fabrics, losing myself in a book – or in today’s case, the dramatic throes of Grey’s Anatomy. breathing in deeply and stretching slowly in the late autumn sun. feeling much like the glistening dew drops clinging to the the blades of grass – just a small, precious thing wanting to stay still in a beautiful place.

i used to be so fearful of short days, long nights, and the chill that settles in this time of year. all i could see was a long dark road, with an eventual light at the end of the tunnel come spring. and nothing has changed in the pattern of the seasons, but so much has changed with me this time around.

i am grateful to the slow, the feeling through in the dark. i am grateful to have a soft place to land for a little while. i’m grateful to sit with past versions of myself and love them. i’m grateful to sit with future versions of myself and learn to embody them. i am grateful for kisses from my ancestors, my grandmother. i am grateful for the awkward bumps, the coming up against some uncomfortable edges. i am grateful that my demons now have kinder faces, now that i dare to look them in the eye. i'm grateful that now, i pull them up a chair and listen to their stories. i’m grateful to let go of the stories i’ve outgrown. i’m grateful that i’m no longer so afraid to feel it all. i’m grateful for the time and space i’d been needing to create. i’m grateful to be taking the leaps i would have very recently rather made a long list of excuses for. i’m grateful for wide open possibilities.

last night, i saw Empire of the Sun play on a misty evening at the Hollywood Bowl with my sister. their kaleidoscope of color performances, their anthems of joy and love were an important part of the soundtrack of my high school experience. the last time i saw them, i was a sophomore in high school. it was at Jimmy Kimmel Live and my mom shuttled a car full of an excited me, my best friend at the time, and my on-and-off crush of my teen years from our quiet suburb to dazzling LA. the number of versions of self i’ve been in between now and then feel infinite. there are memories of both of those concert counterparts that came after that point in time that, at one point in the past, would have tainted both of those relationships for me. but now, with even more time passed, i can look at it all more holistically, through much kinder eyes. we were all kids fumbling our way along. we were all so stuck in our own heads, barely knowing ourselves as we looked pleadingly around us instead for affection, attention, validation. and aren’t we still just really big kids fumbling our way along?

that was probably twelve(!) years ago. i wonder what twelve-year-from-now-me is looking at in my life, right now, with kinder eyes. recently, in my meditations i’ve been visiting her, and she’s always just beaming at me with so much love.

i hope you’re all getting cozy and finding ways to enjoy the slow <3

love u all,
cole

p.s. here’s a lil playlist i’ve been makin for these long nights