The Difference Between Quitting and Failing

This question came from a well-meaning family friend during her visit last week, directed at my 12-year-old daughter.

"That’s a shame," she continued. "I gave up when I was your age, and I’ve always regretted it."

From the next room, I overheard their conversation and my heart sank. My daughter had really wrestled with the decision to stop piano lessons. She admired the idea of playing the piano, but it wasn’t where her passions lay. Instead, it was activities like athletics and her steel pans club that truly lit her up.

While she approached many areas of her life with a growth mindset, her piano practice seemed immune to this enthusiasm. Her time at the keyboard often brought frustration and unhappiness rather than satisfaction.

Each week, getting her to lessons became more of a challenge. We had suggested she could stop, but she hesitated, knowing how often adults express regret about giving up childhood activities. She didn’t want to feel that way in the future.

So, we rethought the situation and reframed the decision for her: What if you take a break instead of stopping entirely? How would a term away feel? The idea resonated with her, and she decided to take a pause.

After the break, she chose not to return. Now, two terms later, she’s happier and more relaxed. Evenings are free from practice battles, and she spends her time crafting, hanging out with friends, and diving into school clubs that bring her real joy. She still plays the piano occasionally, sticking to her favourite pieces and focusing on enjoyment rather than progress.

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I want to share our experience for two reasons:

If you’re someone who regrets giving up a childhood hobby, take a moment to consider this: Your current regret doesn’t necessarily reflect your feelings at the time.

Stopping that activity might have been the right choice back then. Perhaps it freed you to explore other interests, allowed you to prioritise your well-being, or improved your family dynamics.

Our values shift as we grow. What mattered to you as a child might not match your adult priorities. But your younger self’s needs and choices still deserve respect.

If you’re grappling with regret or wondering whether to revisit an old skill, try asking yourself these questions:

• What opportunities did stopping create for me?

• How did my values at the time guide that decision?

• What’s most important to me now, and how does this activity fit into my current life?

• Would resuming it require giving up something else I value today?

We often frame decisions to stop something as "giving up"—a phrase that implies failure. But what if we instead viewed these choices as "creating space" or "taking a pause"? This reframing shifts the focus to intentionality and self-care, helping us let go of guilt and protect ourselves from burnout.

Take our family friend as an example. When I asked why she regretted stopping piano, she said it was because she didn’t reach the skill level she wanted as an adult. This is a common feeling: we often equate success with mastery, forgetting that joy and fulfilment can be just as valuable.

My daughter still plays the piano occasionally—not for advancement, but for fun. More importantly, she’s learning to prioritise her energy and time, choosing what genuinely enriches her life. In a world full of demands, this is a vital skill. It teaches us to rest when we’re overextended and to let go of the pressure to excel at everything.

In sharing this story, my hope is twofold. First, I want to encourage parents to help their children navigate decisions in a way that values well-being over achievement. Second, I want to inspire a more compassionate perspective on the decisions that young you made if this is something you find hard.

Our choices, past and present, should be understood within the context of our values and context at the time - some of which we gloss over later on. By focusing on joy, balance, and personal growth over societal definitions of success, we can avoid the trap of burnout and instead create space for what truly matters.

If you’re already feeling burnt out and need help finding your way back to balance, check out my Roadmap to Feeling Better from Burnout.

If regret is something you’re struggling with to the point that it holds you back then therapy can help unpack those feelings and guide you toward peace with your past. Feel free to reach out, and we can discuss how I can support you.

Hi! I’m Dr Claire Plumbly, Clinical Psychologist, author and EMDR Consultant.

This post was originally published on my website www.drclaireplumbly.com in December 2023. I’m bringing it to you here because my publication is committed to helping people build a better life that they don’t regularly wish to escape from.