“Birth is not merely that which divides women from men; it also divides women from themselves, so that a woman’s understanding of what it is to exist is profoundly changed. Another person has existed in her, and after their birth they live within the jurisdiction of her consciousness. When she is with them, she is not herself; when she is without them, she is not herself, and so it is as difficult to leave your children as it is to stay with them. To discover this is to feel that your life has become irretrievably mired in conflict or caught in some mythic snare in which you will perpetually, vainly struggle.”
Rachel Cusk, A Life’s Work
There is something in my body that revolts when my kids leave my house and go to their dad’s. That thinks I should be with them every single day despite the relief I feel that I no longer have to do so.
Yes, I believe divorced motherhood is the best of both worlds. You get to be a mother. With breaks.
And yet. Sometimes my soul, it grieves.
At the time of this writing, my kids are at the airport about to board an international flight with their father and his girlfriend. This is the third time they’ve left the country with him since the divorce. The first time with the new girlfriend. But I don’t think it’s even her presence that is unsettling me.
It’s that somehow my body hasn’t caught up to the current state of things. There is a part of me that feels like I should be with them. Like some phantom part of me, in a ghost second life, is still part of that family of four and I am going, too.
I don’t want that life. And yet, the fact that my kids have these experiences without me feels wrong.
Will this get more comfortable over time? Or will part of me always feel like I should be with them? That I should be on the periphery of these core moments of their childhood?
We don’t build our families expecting that we will one day be split in two. I am happier divorced. This was the right choice for us. And yet. And yet.
ICYMI:
Part-Time Mom
·
October 31, 2023
At one point, during a conversation with my ex as we stood by our cars after a particularly grueling couples therapy session, he looked at me with anguish in his eyes. “I don’t want to be a part-time…
I know it will just take a day or two and I’ll recalibrate. My body will no longer be braced, waiting for their return. I’ll get into the flow of my single life and relish the nights where I decide what to watch, the quiet of the household, the nachos for dinner. But transition days are always hard. The days they wake up here and go to bed somewhere else. Especially when that somewhere else is thousands of miles away.
A few weeks ago, I left. I went to Costa Rica to meet my boyfriend for a few days. I don’t struggle with that. It’s when they leave. When they travel. When they exit the orbit we established for them.
In many ways I think divorced motherhood is great preparation for the empty nest. Those of us who share custody are already familiar with the leaving. We have learned what to do with those now empty hours. We know that despite their absence, they are often okay.
And yet, I can only imagine, even as my kids grow and leave the nest, that deep down there will be some mother part of me that wishes they were near. Who wants to be able to swoop in when needed on a moment’s notice. Mama’s here. I’ve got you.
I’m not sure that instinct ever goes away.
I had such a hard time when my kids needed me for every single moment of every single day. I do much better with older kids who now have a good bit of independence.
And yet.
And yet.
ICYMI:
I was featured in Joanna Goddard’s Big Salad a few weeks ago on this important topic:
Olivia Howell and Fresh Starts Registry have created Divorce Guide Magazine, and I was so touched to see them feature one of my podcasts with them in the July issue!
Read about what my transition to part-time mothering felt like:
Mothering on My Own
·
August 24, 2023
Lately I’ve been thinking about how much easier it is to mother now that I am no longer partnered. It doesn’t really make sense (except for the part where I don’t have my children for 50% of the time…
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