"I thought I deserved to be punished and mistreated"

I’ve been writing for years about how marriage is not serving women. The issue is it is so damn hard to leave. We’ve spent years tolerating the intolerable as part of our duty as a wife, brainwashed into believing the “for better or worse” mantra. Thus, at what point does “worse” become bad enough to leave?

It’s not just the financial and legal logistics of leaving that make it hard. It is the inner belief system that we deserve better. That life on our own, with our kids living in two different houses, is still better than living under one roof with both partners miserable.

In this Divorce Diary, a woman opens up about what it took to leave her marriage. And it included a bout with infidelity. I don’t think this is uncommon, but women don’t often talk about it due to shame. Women think, once they cheat, that they no longer deserve happiness. But often, the cheating is indicative of the state of the marriage. It is a symptom of the problem (aka a relationship that does not work) rather than the reason for the divorce.

I know this may sound shocking as I was the victim of infidelity. And I do wish that people who cheated had the ability to name their unhappiness before they take that next step. But for some women, connecting with someone who actually makes them feel loved, treasured, wanted, and alive allows them to see what is truly lacking in their marriage. It is the portal through which they can claim their new life. It is rarely with the affair partner. They were just a tool. They were just put in their path to call these women to something better.

She also shares her current journey trying to renegotiate custody with a teenager who no longer wants to go to their father’s house, and how she is trying to raise girls who do not tolerate mistreatment (thus her support of both daughters setting firm boundaries with their dad).

As always, a reminder that The Divorce Diaries are paywalled due to the sensitive nature of the content and to protect the identities of the women who were brave enough to contribute their wisdom. If you’d like to share your own Divorce Diary, you can fill out a form here. All previous entries can be found here.

I had to reduce the amount of shame I felt about my affair to be able to overcome the feeling that I deserved to be punished and mistreated. I realized if I remained in the marriage, my spouse would continue to use the affair as leverage to have power over me.