Things You Can't Unlearn

The longer I live, the more useless facts I have, filling my head.

I should be using that space in my brain to remember important things, like family birthdays or the correct date and time of appointments I’ve made, which I manage to miss, even when they are written on the calendar which I keep right beside me, so I don’t schedule everything on the same day, which I always do, because I never check the calendar.

That space is filled with trivia. The sort of things that don’t even come up on Jeopardy, so I can’t use them to make money.

Like quokkas are the cutest animals in the world. They are a little rodent with a perpetual smile and a tendency to stand on their hind legs and look at people like kids on Christmas who just got the best toy, ever.

My dog could take lessons from these guys. The dog, mischief, is a poodle who has a pleasant smile, but she’s no golden retriever. A quokka could beat a golden retriever in a “happy to see you” competition.

Quokkas are smiley. But one of their defenses, when they are chased by predators, is to throw their babies to the enemy and run like hell. If a quokka would let their children be eaten, you can be pretty sure that the smile is all for show. These guys would turn on you in a heartbeat if you got into a tight spot with one. Don’t trust them.

Instead, let me tell you about the world’s cutest frog. Or perhaps, toad. The pumpkin toadlet is a teeny, little guy, bright orange and adorable, in a froggy sort of way. He’s also poisonous. The bright orange color is a warning to predators. You weren’t going to eat him, were you? He’s too small, and too cute, and about the size you’d want if you were going to make a frog earring.

But he does have a problem. More than one, actually. To go with the tiny everything else, he has proportionally tiny ears. So small that they can’t manage to do what ears are supposed to do. He’s deaf. He makes froggy noises to attract lady frogs, but they can’t hear him because they are also deaf. He has to wave his arms to get their attention.

That’s not the worst of it. Ears are also important because they control our sense of balance. My little froggy friend can jump all right.

He just can’t land.

Click the link and you will see him cartwheeling and faceplanting. I am there with you. Little froggy. The only thing that keeps me from posting videos of my embarrassing falls is the lack of a camera and a scientist goading me into making them on cue.

The very last time I auditioned for a community musical, I fell off the stage during the dance try out. Fortunately, I was taking judo at the time, which is a sport about falling and not getting hurt. My husband was in the audience and assured me that my ability to roll with it and get back on stage made it more impressive, but the director didn’t think so.

And now, the highlight, or low point of my week, depending on how you take this.

Someone on Bluesky posted a short vid of a baby elephant. There is never a bad time to look at those. They have a smile almost as nice as a quokka. It is even better when you realize that they’ve tested adult elephants, and apparently, when they see us, the same part of their brain lights up as ours does when we see a puppy.

Except for the times when they rampage and kill people. I guess, not everyone likes puppies.

But, for the most part, if I look at the average elephant and go “Awwwwww,” there is a chance that she is looking back at me and going, “Awwwwww.”

In the particular video I saw, my first impression was, “What the…” scroll back. Rewind. “Huh?” Rewind. “Oh.”

The baby elephant was under the adult, and nursing. I’ve never seen a nursing elephant or thought much about it other than the vague assumption that all mammals were pretty much alike. I’ve seen cows and goats. They’ve got udders. Dogs and cats have six because they have bigger families.

A mother elephant does not deliver a litter. Not even a small one. Can you imagine an elephant with triplets? She wouldn’t be able to walk. Twins, maybe. Probably not.

An elephant doesn’t need a row of nipples or an udder. An elephant has two. And they aren’t at the back, where I was expecting them to be. They are at the front. Between the front legs. Like a human.

My first, passing impression of the video was an elephant with big balls. On closer inspection, it was an elephant with big boobs. I understood, in an academic sense, that the equipment had to be there, but I’d never seen it in action.

And no, you may not have a link. You can find this one yourself.

Every so often, the internet starts the old, fun kind of argument we used to have, before we discovered politics. Like, if a horse wore pants, would it be two legs on the back end with a belt around the middle? Or four legs covered, belting around the entire horse? What about a centaur?

If a giraffe wore a suit, would the shirt collar and tie be under the chin, like a humans? Or above the shoulders, also like a humans?

And why doesn’t Donald Duck wear pants?

The real question should be, why does Dumbo’s mother wear a hat and not a bra?

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, I have a Kickstarter in pre-launch for you YOU DON’T KNOW DRAC. Click to follow.