No One Asked for This

Today, rather than talking about the movie I went to, I’m going to talk about the movie I’m not going to.

I debated the wisdom of this for a bit, since it is unfair to give a review of something I haven’t seen. But every so often, a premise comes along that is so unappealing that I can tell from a preview that I’m not going to like it. Human Centipede, for instance. Haven’t been there, not going. Just thinking about the concept makes me want to hork.

This is kind of the way I feel about the rom com that opened this week, One Night Only. Except, I don’t think I’ll want to vomit, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up shouting at the screen. I think movie theaters should be treated like churches with popcorn. No talking. No phones. No bothering the people around you.

(Allowance made here for midnight shows. Something like Rocky Horror is the equivalent of a charismatic evangelical experience. It’s OK to sing along and dance in the aisles).

I’ve seen the previews for One Night Only before almost every movie I’ve been to in the last three months. The studio has been putting a hard sell on this, trying to convince me and everyone else that this is where we want to be, this weekend.

Instead of seeing Spider-Man again. That was excellent. You should all go.

The first time I saw the preview for One Night Only, it looked cute. The leads looked charming. The chemistry seemed to be there. I was rooting for them.

Then, I made the mistake of looking at the plot. The underlying premise of the movie is that there is only one night a year when unmarried people can legally have sex. In twelve hours out of the year, anyone who isn’t married has to get busy and get it done. There seems to be no distinction between long term relationships and casual hook-ups. Everyone fucks like bunnies for one night and the next morning, it’s business as usual.

Since this is a romcom, two crazy kids fall in love. Gee, I hope it works out…

Insert sound of screeching brakes here as my brain locks all four wheels and throws itself into reverse. What they’re describing is a totalitarian police state worse than The Handmaid’s Tale. How is this celibacy enforced? What are the punishments? Is there a camera in every bedroom in America? Does masturbation count? Is this some crazy, fundamentalist Christian shit? Eugenics? Population control? Do same sex partners have the same rules?

I could fill a page with questions like this. Sex is one of the primal, human drives. Short of chemical castration or capital punishment, I can’t think of anything that would stop it. If an infraction netted you a ticket or a warning, no one would take the law seriously. You’d have to be looking at hard time in prison to make this work at all, along with constant surveillance a la 1984.

Would I consider going to this movie as a dystopian, science fiction, horror story? Yes.

Do I want to see it as a romantic comedy?

Are you out of your freakin’ mind?

I am a romance author. I have written romantic comedy. I like to think it’s one of my specialties. Most of the ones I’ve done are historical, but I did a contemporary novella called The Tourist of Zenda, about an unsuspecting American who is kidnapped by the prince of a tiny country and ends up standing in for the reality show videos of his impending wedding.

Just to say, I am aware that romcoms sometimes have implausible plots. A lot of suspension of disbelief is required. In reality, if you pretend to be the fiancée of a man in a coma and scam your way into his family’s Christmas celebration, you will be arrested. If you do it in a movie, it’s While You Were Sleeping and I will watch you on endless repeat until the Sun burns to ashes.

There is a thing in writing called an “inciting incident” and a lot of rom coms need them to get started. I was about to use the analogy of the ripples in water when a raindrop hits but realized that would be dramatic or literary fiction. In those, you watch the reactions spread out and affect everyone.

In a romcom, you have an event that creates an inward spiral. Someone tells a white lie. To keep the story going until they can get to an exit, more lies are needed. Eventually, the instigator becomes trapped. The truth is discovered. The person lied to is justifiably angry, which causes “the black moment” where things look hopeless.

The liar repents. A valuable lesson is learned…

Don’t lie about being engaged.

Don’t pretend to be a rich man when you’re a poor musician and also, Marilyn Monroe thinks you’re a woman.

Don’t pretend to be poor when you’re rich (and your family are crazy Asians)

Or you’re an African prince looking for a girl in Queens.

Or don’t lie about being engaged again, but to Ryan Reynolds (God, Sandra, why can’t I quit you).

Since these are movies, the wronged party is so in love that they forgive the instigator, and they live happily ever after instead of someone putting the whole thing on r/relationships.

Romance fans find comfort in tropes. But I’m pretty sure, “Once upon a time, there was a sex phobic autocracy…” is not on any of the lists.

For different tropes, like “Modern girl in…” please

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