A Beginners Guide To Unicorn Hunting:

A “unicorn” is a single woman recruited to be the supporting character in your relationship. She arrives with enthusiasm, low expectations, and the emotional footprint of an Airbnb guest, so don’t let her drink your fucking LaCroix.

Welcome to my guide to finding your perfect unicorn with maximum efficiency and minimum self-awareness.

Step 1: Identify your Unicorn’s habitat

The ideal Unicorn Job? No job.

Your first choice is always going to be a woman with generational wealth pursuing a self-designed major at an Ivy League school. Ideally she’s writing a thesis on something like beetle homosexuality or “the erotic subtext of maritime grief.” The important thing is that it sounds intellectually alive while contributing absolutely nothing to society. This ensures she has unlimited free time to focus on what really matters: stabilizing your relationship.

Your second option is a whimsical, barely employed Bushwick bisexual who is legally squatting in her apartment because she chose to spend her rent money on a back tattoo of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This is also a strong candidate because she’ll hear the phrase “we just want open communication” and mistake it for housing security.

Step 2: Seduce with Trust

People always ask me, “Okay, but how do I even approach my unicorn?” Great question.

The key is immediately convincing her that you and your partner are emotionally safe people. This is why it’s important to lead with your therapy experience. Personally, I like to say something casual like, “We’ve done six months of therapy and read about a third of an Esther Perel book in 2018, so… we deserve this.”

Step 3: Set clear expectations and boundaries

Transparency is really important. Your unicorn deserves to know exactly what emotional void she’s being brought in to fill. Be upfront about the gaps in your sex life and that you’re expecting her to fill them in an emotional way, but not in a clingy way.

You really want to establish early on that you and your partner are the priority. That way she won’t get distracted by their own emotional needs, or whether she’s being treated like a sentient fleshlight with baby bangs and bad childhood.

Remember: the perfect unicorn is someone who’s comfortable using this as a mantra: Separate but equal (unless she’s black, then I’d maybe use another turn of phrase.)

Step 4: Creating a welcoming environment

When your unicorn enters your apartment, your attire is going to set the tone for where they stand in the dynamic. I recommend wearing something like your wedding dress and socks. This sends the message: “welcome to my home,” but also, “if you make eye contact with my husband during sex I will get physically violent.”

Little details matter. Maybe there’s wine or soft lighting or seventeen professionally shot framed photos of you and your partner staring at each other lovingly in a pumpkin patch.

Step 5: Establish relationship harmony

You’re gonna wanna make sure your unicorn likes you and your partner the exact same amount. A good way to confirm this is by asking her point-blank: “What percentages do you like me versus my partner?” (Ideally you’re looking for a clean 50/50 split.)

If the number dips even slightly, you’re gonna want to casually follow up with questions like: “Why don’t you like me?” “What did I do wrong?” “Was it something I said?” “Are you emotionally abandoning me like my father did?”

This line of questioning is really effective for fostering the ideal attachment style for a unicorn dynamic: emotionally self-monitoring, while constantly aware that one poorly timed emotional need could get her softly voted off the island.

Step 5: Make sure you have exactly the same politics

You’re gonna want to make sure your politics align. Not by grilling them, by slowly interviewing them in a dark room under a single hanging bulb.

You want to build trust but in a way that establishes dominance, this might look like asking them how they feel about identity politics, but refusing to define what you mean by identity politics.

Presenting increasingly niche discourse scenarios and watching for signs of panic. Remember, if she can’t explain her position on horizontal organizing structures and the political implications of owning rental property, how can you possibly trust her with your husband?

Step 6: Have Sex With The Unicorn

Congratulations. You’ve done the emotional labor. You’ve discussed boundaries, attachment styles, and communication frameworks. You’re finally ready to have sex with the unicorn.

Something I personally like doing, mid coitus, during a menage a trois, is looking my unicorn directly in the eye and saying, “you’re here cause the Peloton didn’t fix us.”

Remember: the unicorn is not there to have her own experience. She’s there to serve the same purpose as a juice cleanse or a meditation app: convincing you and your partner that the problem is external.

Happy hunting!

Chef Tova