examine

This week (in which mifepristone can still be mailed, at least as of Monday), we’re going inward, maybe more than usual, below this picture of a sunny Brooklyn street.

The way we think about abortion has everything to do with the way we were raised to think about women, about ourselves if we were raised in a female body. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my early experiences talking about abortion, which in retrospect, were super disconnected from the realities of actual people who have abortions.

I learned about who/what/how women were supposed to be and how people saw us when I was still a girl, and thinking back on all those messages, it’s clear how abortion stigma made it into my brain. So, put a finger down if you grew up hearing:

• Women are naturally indecisive creatures who don’t know what we want, and yet,

• We definitely want to get married to a man, have children, and stay home with said children, because that is also natural.

• Women are sneaky. We don’t say or do what we really mean, leaving men helpless to decode our words and actions, and ending up trapped in the consequences of our trickery. (Think the belief that women commonly lie about rape and that the concept of consent is nothing more than a trap.) (Also, all women are hypersexual harpies.)

• Women’s lives do, or should, orbit around men and men’s attention. In order for her existence to matter, she must be physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally available and palatable to a man. Her energy must be directed at securing a man, and her value is tied to it. If she doesn’t seek out male companionship, something is wrong with her, and if she can’t obtain a husband, that’s also her fault.

I don’t think anyone explicitly told me these things about women when I was younger, but they still managed to be ever-present in the messages I received and the expectations that were had. The way we think about women who have abortions doesn’t come out of nowhere, it’s been embedded within us since we were born (even if our caregivers didn’t buy into it): Women don’t really want abortions, they want to be pregnant regardless of circumstances, and if they don’t, something has gone devastatingly wrong in their brains. They will regret their decisions. Being tied to man is preferable to being alone, no matter what the tie looks like.

Action item: Think about what were you taught about women growing up: What messages did you receive about women were supposed to behave, what they’re supposed to want, how they think? What beliefs do you think you’re holding onto, and how do you think that impacts the way you think about abortion?

Next time: More brain stuff.