We All Can't Be Liam Neeson

In his new song, “The Throne,” folk singer Josh Ritter sings about a world that feels too big and too broken for any one of us to change it.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like someone trying to remove sand from a beach, one grain at a time.

There are so many problems, coming at us so rapidly. Politics. War. Loneliness. Distrust. Environmental collapse. Trauma.

What do you pick? And even if you can pick one thing, can anyone really make a difference?

I’ve planted my flag on transforming the way we engage conflict. I left a fun career covering the NBA for ESPN two decades ago because I was growing increasingly worried that the level of contempt and destructive conflict that so many in the world face every day was rising to dangerous levels. I wanted to do something about that. I wanted to both be a mediator in big conflicts like Northern Ireland and the Middle East, and be a teacher that taught people how to engage in healthy conflict. I wanted to train a new generation in transformative mediation and collaborative problem-solving.

I wrote books. I taught classes. I did workshops around the world. I’ve been to the Middle East more than 50 times training and helping NGOs and governments find a better solution to the problems that beset us. I’ve spent the last two years in Utah delivering over 50 workshops, speeches, and trainings in an effort to mitigate the polarization and rising tide of unhealthy conflict in the state, congregations, communities and families.

I wanted to be Liam Neeson. Not the actor himself. But the character he plays in virtually every movie.

The guy who single-handedly saves his daughter from hundreds of traffickers with a particular set of skills and somehow walks out carrying the people he loves.

The Jedi who tries to keep Anakin Skywalker from going to the dark side.

The aging hero who takes on corrupt governments, criminal networks, or entire armies because no one else will.

And I have to remind myself everyday that I can’t be.

I know I’m not alone. In fact, I venture that most people who read this newsletter want to be the person that changes the path that we are on right now. That you, like me, feel compelled to do something, anything, to stop the slow roll of destruction — of the world, the environment, our communities, our families — that beset us.

And I also know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed. The problem is change takes more than one of us.

Ritter sings in “The Throne”:

We’re made to take burdens never meant to be shouldered
Ain’t no one so strong that the world’s just a boulder

No time to forgive, no time to forget, or
Time to consider which angels are better
The war is too big for any one man to win it

The grand gestures that the Liam Neesons of the world make are fantasy. And even if they weren’t, his answer is always violence, and that is never a sustainable way to make true change.

The characters Neeson plays lack the moral imagination to do more than shoot and punch their way to the world they want to see. If I’m ever kidnapped, I probably would want Liam Neeson to come save me. But in a world that does conflict poorly, we have to use the moral imagination to think up something different — and that something different uses a particular set of skills that transcends ruthlessness.

It doesn’t look for a Messiah that defeats our enemies with bloodshed and vengeance. It looks for a Messiah that teaches us how to reconcile with them through love and collaboration.

The real work of peacemaking and building movements toward light and truth takes lots of small actions from lots of people. These sorts of actions often look small, ordinary, almost unimpressive.

Small and simple things never look like Liam Neeson kicking down a door with a gun in his hand. Yet, those very actions create the type of world we want to be in.

What does it look like in the real world?

• Listening to someone long enough that they feel seen instead of dismissed.

• Refusing to humiliate people you disagree with.

• Apologizing first.

• Learning how to regulate your emotions before reacting in anger.

• Staying at the table when every instinct tells you to walk away.

• Choosing curiosity over contempt.

• Interrupting cycles of shame in your family.

• Teaching your children how to repair instead of retaliate.

• Helping two people hear each other differently.

• Creating spaces where people can belong without having to become enemies.

• Telling the truth without turning other people into villains.

• Refusing to feed outrage because it feels good in the moment.

• Building institutions and communities that reward collaboration instead of cruelty.

• Sitting with someone in pain instead of trying to win an argument.

• Continuing to love people while still holding boundaries.

• Learning to see other people as people, even when fear tells you not to.

• Planting trees whose shade you may never sit under.

• Becoming the sort of person who brings more calm, more wisdom, and more healing into the rooms you enter.

Ritter sings at the end of “The Throne”

Though we’re sinners and liars, a new world’s gotta start somewhere
We’re just skin and bones, ain’t a one of us magic
I have been to the throne, the throne never had it
We’re just skin and bones, in that there is power
I have been to the throne, if we want it, it’s ours
I have been to the throne, if we want it, it’s ours

A new world has got to start somewhere. Take a listen to “The Throne,” let go of Liam Neeson, and start making a new world one small act at a time.

I will be holding our fourth Transformative Mediation Certification Training in Salt Lake City, November 12-14. This 40 hour, professional certification training if both for experienced mediators as well as therapists, social workers, business, faith and non-profit leaders as well as educators who want to sharpen their skills in a style of mediation that does more than just get agreements — it transforms relationships.. If you’d like to join us, we’d love to have. You can register here!