Love is a decision, it's not a feeling

Article No.2

YES , i said it out loud and it should be said louder that Love is just a decision you make and not a feeling which is evoked.

I read these particular lines from ‘The Art of Loving’ by Eric Fromm and it struck a chord with me.

These lines reignited the thought in me which lingered in my head for quite sometime back in the day. I firmly believe loving someone romantically is an unconscious decision you make and not a rational choice which you make.

Okay, let’s keep the romantic angle aside, loving someone as a friend , as a brother/sister or a mother loving her kids…all these forms of love are a decision which a person makes without second thoughts….. then Why should we consider romantic relationships to be a matter of feeling and not a decision one makes willingly and not by overthinking it.

I remember back in the day in college having such conversations with my friends where they used to say that “Hey Chaayank, you can’t love someone without you feeling a spark for them” , “Spark is what makes us sure that a particular person is the right person for us” and i used to think that this is such a wrong way of looking at relationships.

In the search of spark which is just a come and go feeling you literally are giving up on a potential person whose probably right for you, how fair is that? Isn’t that you cheating on yourself?? or probably giving up on someone with whom you could have a good future.

Okay let me ask you a question...BE HONEST

How many of you actually think that your parents who are married are probably good for each other?

I am assuming that the majority of the people reading this would probably be like “Nahh they ain’t right for each other , they just made a decision to stay together whether they like it or not irrespective of the feelings involved”.

I am in no way saying that people who are not meant for each other should stay together irrespective, if you are not feeling respected or included in a particular space then get out of that place…but it’s a decision a couple made keeping lot of other things in their head….maybe the society, the kids or anything it might be. From the couple’s perspective they might be right.

Spark is often treated as like evidence , if it’s present then the relationship is meant to be , if it is absent , nothing meaningful can happen. Spark is just an instant attraction, excitement, mystery it is just a feeling not necessarily information about compatibility.

SPARKS ARE MISLEADING!!!!

Instead of chasing or looking out for a spark , maybe look for warmth. The slow conversations, the boring conversations , the repeated conversations these are the things that build this warmth. Warmth shows up slowly , conversations that feel easy and just flow , being able to disagree without feeling threatened, choosing to make the opposite person feel cozy and calm their nervous system down.

A feeling is just instinctive it is quick but it does not guarantee permanence whereas a decision is made with responsibility. To look beyond a person’s flaws , fears etc. and then decide whether we can meet them with the same honesty , patience and care.

Stop looking for possibilities, start taking up the decision to be with them cuz there will always be someone better than the “right” person too.

PS: There is nothing such as ‘First impression is the last impression’ cuz your future impressions can always be a shitty impression or a spectacular impression. Just keep working on yourself , love will follow.

Perhaps that is what love really is: not the moment we fall, but the repeated decision to show up after we do.

Thank you for stopping by and giving your precious time to read this article.

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