Trump’s “5D Chess” Mind Calls Iran a “Mini War”

I have an acquaintance who insists Trump is “playing 5D chess” while the rest of us are playing checkers, most likely with bottlecaps because Democrats are too dumb to keep up with the little red and black disc thingies.

Her social media posts confirm my theory that she probably has a basement filled with wall charts, push-pins wrapped in red yarn to show her work. Which, to be clear is ... wazy (way crazy).

Since Trump’s famous golden escalator descent (into madness) we have all known folks like this. We used to go to their backyard barbecues and drink Truly from their coolers, lightheartedly chatting about the best time to plant hydrangeas in our gardening zone.

You know. Normal shit.

Now? Not so much. The oft-repeated “5D chess” line embraced by MAGA conspiracy theorists is beloved by Fox News pundits who started with 3D chess and continually upped the ante.

We can’t be far from “Dear Leader is playing mahjong with my Aunt Sophie and KICKING HER ASS levels of brilliant!”

With Trump’s behavior becoming more crazypants every day it makes sense the biggest defense would be “Ohhhhh, that’s because you’re not smart enough to see what he’s actually doing!”

I’d say this is the very definition of gaslighting, but I can’t afford to because it’s $4.45 A GALLON.

If they weren’t such bottom-feeders Trump’s cabinet might inspire pity as they are dispatched to the Sunday shows to spout non-answers and outright lies to increasingly incredulous hosts.

When asked if the president is concerned about polls showing his approval rating sinking to a low of 33 percent, they just answer something else and bluster until commercial.

“I’m sorry, Martha. Did you just seriously imply that President Trump, who is at this very minute playing a game of Dungeons and Dragons in a Dungeon WITH AN ACTUAL DRAGON has time to be bothered by polls that you just made up with the help of HUNTER BIDEN and, let’s not forget, Kamala Harris who is, quite frankly, a man?

The poll-drop heard ‘round the country is “temporary” according to Trump’s shills. They sound like the coach who tells his team—down by 50 points at halftime—”OK! Huddle up! We got ‘em right where we want ‘em … ”

So much nope.

Trump makes the job harder for his icksome reps by tossing out tough-to-defendisms like this week’s description of the war he started in Iran as “a mini war.”

Oh. OK. It’s a mini-war. See how that sounds less scary? Whew! And who doesn’t love mini anything? I’d be lost without my daily mini-can of Coke Zero. If it’s a mini-war then the casualties must be mini-deaths and injuries are definitely mini-injuries which, as we all know, are at least one-third less important. It’s a fucking MINI WAR. The branding genius has once again peed all over our heads and informed us it’s raining!

He followed up by describing Iran as “a little detour.” OK. That sounds like something we can live with. A “little detour.” Who hasn’t had to take a little detour to get to our destination on occasion? Detours are adventures! Detours are opportunities to experience something we’ve never seen or done before! In the movies the detour ends in a ROAD CLOSED sign we couldn’t see in a thunderstorm and so we drove through it and right over a cliff.

That tracks.

We can’t be far from Trump describing Iran as “a bump in the road” an expression we’ve all used but which he will announce as “a little something I just made up because, gee, I’m really good at that kind of thing. Just ask groceries. You’re welcome.”

5D Chess? Not hardly. More like Chutes & Ladders.