I Knew He was Pond Scum, but This is Ridiculous! (I’m Baaaaack)

Like miners rescued from a cave-in, staggering, blinking furiously with big goofy grins on their faces, we have finally emerged from a week of wedding frivolity and we’re ready to rumble.

Let’s see. What happened since my daughter got married last Saturday? Whoa. So much. No surprise there. Iran’s tough to mine for laughs, especially on my post-wedding (cake) high but what’s this? Trump’s reflecting pool looks like Swamp Thing’s gonna bust outta there any minute?!?

Oh, thank you, Jesus! I wish I could tell y’all how hard I laughed when I saw those chunks of “American flag blue” pool liner bobbing on the slime-green surface of the once hauntingly beautiful reflecting pool. Once a beloved place for quiet contemplation, the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool now gives “Abandoned Ramada in West Pellagra, Georgia.” All that’s missing is the weird weeds poking up through the crackled pavement but give it time.

To be clear, I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS.

Friends had warned me of the “post-wedding letdown,” but they didn’t count on the immediate day-brightener one experiences when NATURE and SCIENCE combine to shove Trump’s utter tackiness straight up his hinterlands.

I own and maintain a hot tub so that, of course, makes me a chemist or the director of the EPA in Trumpworld. As such, I know a little about green water. What causes it, how to get rid of it, what it fucking SMELLS LIKE. Not in my tub of course. I’m talking about others.’ Pretty sure I could’ve done a better job mitigating this unmitigated disaster of a pool redo. This is worse than the time the idiot decorator glued hay to the wall of an unsuspecting homeowner’s playroom on “Trading Spaces.”

Perhaps the funniest thing of all is how Trump’s army of repellant toadies once again asks us not to believe our own eyes.

AS YOU CAN SEE THE REFLECTING POOL ALGAE HAS BEEN VERY EFFECTIVELY KILLED, screeched an obviously blind person in T’s “administration” via social media. Didn’t think he’d embrace diversity, equity and inclusion but shows what I know. Trump has apparently hired many visually impaired persons because we don’t see “crystal clean” water; we see a shade of green best described as Sherwin Williams “Chlamydia in the Capitol.”

Kidding! I meant Benjamin Moore.

Scientists from nearby George Mason University were called in to explain the cause of the slime but Trump reportedly put his tiny fingers in his ears and screamed to drown them out.

“It’s bootiful,” he said. “Nothing like what Obama did to it.”

Amen to that, Orange Foolius. And speaking of Obama, can you imagine how much ketchup has been thrown this week as the sane part of America celebrates the opening of his Presidential Center in Chicago?

Trump’s peace agreement, which is as fragile as Bubble Boy by all accounts, hasn’t gotten much traction because Obama’s everywhere! His precious family. All those former presidents. Speeches and hope and renewed commitment to reclaim our country! If Trump had a dog, he’d have kicked it halfway to Bethesda by now.

In the meantime, the big dealmaker really has those pool folks over a barrel. He agreed to pay them $2 million at the start and they’ve managed to be paid $15 million so far. Something tells me Trump’s business savvy will have us paying upwards of $100 million before it’s all over. Because it’s not his money, he doesn’t give two shits. See how it works?

Only Trump could cast his porcine pink eyes at what he has done to his neighborhood and feel pride. The galling rubble of the East Wing. The California Pizza Kitchen umbrellas where a rose garden once beckoned. The ruts in the lawn where a couple of knuckleheads beat the shit out of each other to celebrate a demented octogenarian’s blood lust.

Yeah, D.C. be weird right now.

But I’m feeling that old time religion of hope. Seeing Obama rekindled something in us and we gotta tend that fire until it consumes all the bluster and bullshit and we can start again, all the wiser for having been through something terrible. The slime pool provides a metaphor that’s so obvious even the MAGA dullards can’t miss it: This is your country on Trump. Toxic, fetid, dangerous.

We can, and we will, do better.