An Ode to Darline Graham (Who Isn’t Terribly Bright)

When U.S. Senate hopeful Darline Graham said during a televised debate this week that “National security isn’t really my thing,” I believe we all thought: “Damn. That was weird.”

So weird, in fact, I was moved to respond via poetry.

Kindly read this humble offering to the tune of Dolly Parton’s iconic “Jolene” for maximum effect.

“DARLINE”

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiine

Girl, what are you doing in this race?

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiine,

You can’t find Taiwan on a map and now you can’t save face

You stand there with a clueless stare

Banana clip and Talbot’s wear

Telling us national security is a snore

When they gave you Lindsey’s Senate seat

You shoulda said: “This’ll end in defeat!”

But ego got the best of you and then …

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiine

Girl, what are you doing in this race?

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiine

“You’re making ME look smart,” said Nancy Mace

“Can you repeat the question?” I need to buy some time

Let’s talk about transgender stuff and how it’s all a crime

Let’s round up all the brown people and throw ‘em into jail

They’re illegal if ICE says so, let’s send ‘em straight to hail

I’ve got a new catch phrase; it’s easy on the ears

“I don’t speak politician!” is funny and calms fears

I’m plenty fluent when PAC money pours into my campaign

I can’t be bought! You see this cross? is my Trumpian refrain

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiine

Girl, what are you doing in this race?

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiine

Your thinking’s old and you can’t keep apace

If my brother was a neurosurgeon and he dropped dead; so sad!

Would I be asked to scrub in for him,

because we’re kin?

Or would that sound quite mad?

Darline, I think you’ve got a shot

It pains me to admit

S.C. votes against their self-interests

I know. It’s weird as shit

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiiiine

Girl, what are you doing in this race?

Darline, Darline, Darline, Darliiiiiiiiiine

You’ll hate D.C., there’s no Buc-ee. I think I rest my case.