the elder woman sits quietly

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the elder woman sits quietly
while i rant and rave and dramatize my day
the elder woman sits quietly watching
while I expand my energy in 1000 different ways
I stress and fuss and muss...
I love and lust... I loose and win
I whine and plan and try to define and then...
grind my teeth into throbbing, aching, paining stress knots in my neck
the elder woman sits quietly while I spin my moments
falling into traps of my own setting
and then try to meditate... levitate
or close my eyes and visualize or sweat lodge my way out!
once in awhile after an exhausting drama of some sort
I finally stop, listen
but only if I'm shoved up against a wall inside myself with no where to go
all loss of my so called 'control'
"what's wrong with me?"  I cry in angst at her feet where I have dropped
the elder woman sits quietly, contemplating
and I of course want a big gigantic answer that wows my ego and strokes my pride and makes me feel special
"you are on the path" she says
as her eyes, deep pools of unbelieveable clear clarity
look into me from endless lifetimes of knowing
for a long moment I sit quietly with her deep within me
looking out at the world going by
I suddenly want to jump up and get a 'special spiritual' Indian blanket to wrap around us and to just finish out my life laying on the earth watching the stars and sun come up
I begin to make plans to sit in more circles and do more ceremony, and attend more gatherings, and work hard on my so-called 'enlightenment' and find a way to stay in this quiet place where she resides in me
after some moments the ancient beautiful elder looks through me again,
her eyes sparkling with a soft, precious love and acceptance
as if I'm her innocent wide-eyed wild child
she speaks gently... firm...
in a voice that seems beyond time and space
all that you wish to do is good.  it is good.
all part of the path
but much awaits you in the  world
your work is not done...
continue the work, get lost, get caught, spin out, run with the Wolves
go for the silver, go for the gold, go for broke with every fiber of your being
you must!
the lessons will come and come again - falling down, getting up running, stopping, jumping, tripping, going backward, forward....
and then finally...
when your soul cripples up from the endless chase,
maybe this lifetime
maybe after many more lifetimes...
a new Grace will begin

the path inward...
will be all  that you want... it will be everything you need... it will be your necessity
your craving... your union...
a path into an equisite open minded spaciousness where the entangling choking thoughts of 1000 fears do not rule
where you will find release into peace... where desires and all outward glittering diamonds will become dull, uninteresting, lifeless...
where opinions, image, all material things and human powers will become tired old ghostly thieves that can no longer drive you into the dark and exhausting night where they can rape and steal your beating aching heart that yearns and has struggled so hard for what it cannot find
as your crippled, exhausted self melts down, slumping over into a curled up ball of
hopeless, 'left for dead' to 'that life... '
a delicious healing balm of nectar that no earthly 'anything' can ever give, will be waiting
and as you lie cut and slashed from the journey...
and as the balm soothes and heals...
slowly in your center you will discover the Throne Room
and you will float right into your new and most blessed home
where you will fall to your hands and knees and bow to the Majestic Almighty One
and surrender into what you have chased all of your life and have finally found
minutes pass that seem like years
I stare into the mirror in awe, 'I see her'
and I see 'me'

suddenly the phone rings, the image fades, and I see only one of us staring back
the elder woman sits quietly and waits within me for my final return....
to wholeness