the bits, the pieces, the remnants, the fragments

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the bits, the pieces, the remnants, the fragments
all i have left now
my mama
the early years torn away
when we ran away from him - the evil father seed
violent, moody, mean, controlling, abusive, rude
not one drop of love for me
the first and lasting cut
then she went away to work each day
so i was told
i don't remember
memories fade fast in pain
the years passed
the confusion grew
we kept running... moving... from town to town
settling for 6 months here, 3 months there, once for a year
normal childhood, a loving father, a present mother?
i can't understand
i couldn't touch down
i couldn't make sense
auto pilot numb was my only defense
and singing with the sisters in church on sundays
when i was 10, 11...
for a while my only solace
my heart on fire
she had a man here for a while, a husband there for a while
never more than 5 years
my sister and i...   then came my bro
the years passed
the emotional neglect grew
and we all kept running
auto-pilot numb - four on the floor
i left first at 17
my sister left later at 13
she hit the streets and found meth
and many other things
my bro left and found steel bars
and things that shouldn't be seen or heard
the wicked scars so deep
oh!  my sister, my bro... my mama!
i lived on without all of them
i ran away hard
i wanted no part
my heart on fire
inside big dreams, big plans
she came to visit sometimes
it was always viciously awkward
racid oil and rusted water
i disowned her for a long time
i wrote a bold blaming letter when i was 37
i said it 'all'
i f-n said it ALL
i blamed it 'all' on her but faked some concessions
i found a copy of that letter just a few days ago
(after 30 years) in an old box of my poetry
then.....
     a card she wrote in response:
to my darling little christina:
i'm talking to that beautiful little, darkeyed girl who was so wounded and hurt.  i have to go way back because the mother you knew then hasn't existed in 20 years.  please forgive me for i was so emotionally ill that i truly didn't know what i was doing.  i was repeating a way of life that i had been taught also.  i've already dealt with that person and she has judged herself very harshly... but i've found forgiveness for myself and i can't feel any more guilt or remorse.  so please forgive me for hurting you.  your letter did not hurt me, so please don't think it did.
"please forgive me for hurting you, i'm so very sorry"
the words at the end of the card ripped my heart
straight down into the root of her in me
and i collapsed into hot burning tears
my heart pounding for release from the cemented years
the words ringing over and over in my ears
i lost my mama when we left the evil father seed
i never had her again
from birth to age of five, she was mine
many lost years went rushing by
and in her filthy neglected nursing home room
as she lay dying in the hospital that Feb in 25,
i found bits, pieces, remnants, fragments...
i found a soft beauty that i'd long forgotten
a beauty stolen by opiates, sugar, loneliness, resentment, fear,
and a dark cloudy confusion that had all melded and twisted
into a frozen painful body and soul that had stolen her from herself, from me, from us
here in this raw aching place,
i'm BEGGING God for forgiveness
for those 'lashing' words of ignorance bestowed upon her in that letter
at the woman who knew no better
who was doing the best she could from within her own prison of fetters
a mother can twist and turn in horrible HARSH guilt and BITTER shame
a mother can wring her sad and desperate hands
as she sits alone in her bedroom late at night
hanging her head - wishing she'd done it better.. wishing she'd known how
bits, pieces, remnants, fragments...
the slashing angry words from the rancid oil and rusted water
one early dark morning as i sat alone in my own dark room
a HARSH bolt of light came
stuck me center
shook me to my core
i knew soon she would be gone
for good...
my only mama... the root...
her certain death stared me HARD in the face that morning
got me scared
real scared
the kindness that had been pacing the floor of my heart,
waiting for the crack to open, came flooding in
love appeared, compassion took over
i cherished her, i called her, i withstood her storms of confusion
even when she yelled mean words and hung up on me
a few years went by
as we gyrated back and forth in moments of loving words and unspoken forgiveness
and drug induced awkard conversation
love held death back and waited... watched
healing 65 years of denial, confusion, running
misunderstanding, pain
merging the love of this mama and her little girl into one...
again and forever
when the doctor called, i went
when the doctor ask, i surrendered her
my nightmare was beyond words
the feeding tubes taken away
the next day as i sat with her wondering in horror if i'd made a mistake
she came to a bit, looked right at me and said
'thank you...thank you... thank you...'
then, closed her eyes
my answer from from her heart, from God
a couple days later she went home
bury me God...
bury me in the bits, the pieces, the remnants, the fragments
of my mama
with the flower that she wore in her hair
with the scent of her hairspray
with her pretty soft flowery scarfs and powdery perfume
with her silly laughter and her crazy embarrassing jokes
bury me in her soft white skin...
bury me 'while i live' with the love i know she had for me through it all
and...
please forgive me mama, please forgive me for hurting you...

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(c) 5/10/26 Christina M James