sometimes in the early mornings

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sometimes in the early mornings

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   when i open the house windows 

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and the cool early morning breeze comes drifting in

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i can smell the desert again

out there, hungry, empty, cold

my vision falling into the vast emptiness of the land

sitting in the hollow of it all inside myself

sitting on the hard belly of the Mother

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there is no getting away as i sit there

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being absorbed into its enormous vision, my endless aching

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waiting for the sun to cast its warmth and light upon the surreal early morning landscape

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upon my life

i pick up a cold rock

and lay for eternity in that moment

when all else falls away except for the quiet circling of a Crow

high up in the blue skies without a cloud

in the stillness the poignancy, the pain... numbs

the projections from my hollow loneliness cast their shadows miles and miles away

back on my home life and romanticize my existence there

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i scribble an early morning love note to my otherwise abusive husband of 21 years

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suddenly it seems he knows me as i have always wanted him to know me

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suddenly he fills my heart with the love i have yearned for…

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for lifetimes

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suddenly i can’t wait to get back home

out there sitting on the desert surrounded by miles and miles of sticky cactus

hard patches of earth

sun cracked surfaces thirsting 

dry dusty winds 

out there sitting in the middle of myself

unknowingly looking out at the inner landscape of my heart

6 months later i have left him

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sometimes in the early mornings

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when i open the house windows

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and the cool early morning breeze comes drifting in,

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   i go out…

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      and feed the Mother with my tears