Change can sometimes hurt-especially when you have NO idea what’s coming...
For the last 12 years I have created a system that allowed me to pursue my music side for the first time in my life. It started with a simple wish. “I want to do music.” Seems simple-almost childish-especially for someone who had just completed a college degree in their 30’s in a completely different arena than music; but this simple calling completely changed the trajectory of my life in a way I had never imagined.
I moved to Los Angeles from the woods of northern California-a very special place; but I figured that sometimes in life you need a different kind of special place to spread your wings-one that solely represents the playground of your biggest dream…I thought a major music city would be great motivation and inspiration for this monumental and life changing decision.
It was an extremely magical time for me-to move from the isolating country to the city-high on a dream; no expectations-$450 dollars and whatever I could pack up in my Jeep. It was the end of 2013 and in a few months I would be 38 years old...I was on the ultimate adventure…
My only goal in life then was to be involved with music-in whatever capacity, and for seven years I thrived...Everything was new to me and felt so exciting after years of crippling self doubt, depression and stage fright. I immersed myself the best I could as a hard core introvert and “non-joiner” and was welcomed into a loving community of kindred spirits. I got out of my comfort zone and did things I never thought I would ever do-like interview other artists and create a magazine, run concert series and perform all over the city and beyond…
The time was indeed magical but also very hard. The only finances I had were my own and I had not been-and was not at the time-good with money. I was so fortunate to have a place to stay the first year in L.A. but after that-it got incredibly difficult for the following year as I tried to make it work to stay and continue to do music and not go crazy or get ill...It took awhile, but after juggling 5 jobs-I got one day job that supported me; I found my flow, and gigs were rolling in and other opportunities...
This time period of the first five years in L.A. were my time of innocence and openness; to not know anything is a beautiful thing; to have a completely new and exciting experience. Not having expectations really fostered that feeling in spite of the stress....until my “no expectations” started to change…
Life happens and sometimes life chooses for you. Covid hit and I lost all of my gigs and contacts. An ailment hit and I spent two years having surgeries and recovering. When I wanted to get out there again, I tried to recapture what I lost, but you can’t go back in time. What happened happened-and a new world develops....Everything that was new and exciting before-touring, the community, my ideas...felt empty and forced. I spent a year trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. Where did this negativity come from? Where did my persevering spirit go?
It’s a complex question I have been exploring with a complex web of having to do with the totality of my existence up to this point….like always…
It’s hard to live in the dark unknown; when the vibe changes-to stay positive, to utilize you vast depth of wisdom from your brief time on earth. It’s hard not to take things personally...and change CAN be very difficult…there is a reason why people say things like, “such and such a place at such and such a time was a vibe and you had to be there…” I experienced that in Los Angeles for those five magical years…Energies and vibes shift and we are part of the fabric of that existence…
I had been feeling disenchanted with my music journey for some time, but then in August of 2025-I was losing my financial stability that I relied on that allowed me to focus on music. Again, life chooses for you. I spent days at home stupefied, not knowing what to do and not being able to focus on projects; that was coupled with the illusion online that I am doing really well and “gig a lot;” when the reality is that I barely do anything...but maybe I am in my own illusion....I have my spurts and moments…
To stay afloat and not wallow in sadness-I have had to dig deep. My purest desire in life has nothing to do with music anymore, but just to live a peaceful, joyful life as best I can. The complex emotions around music exists because of that strong and pure fire that continually burns....it will never go away…how do we keep the flame alive in these changing tides?
This fire can eat away at you :) Burnout is real, age is real, circumstances are real and the struggle is real...
To get myself through this nebulous time period of “what next?” and “what is happening to me?” I try to stay positive and some days are better than others....my new goals are more exploratory in nature-wanting to do more with my music than just perform for money, but to create a peaceful sustainable existence in life and creativity...
Some days, I feel like I am functioning on the lowest level of existence and other days I feel hopeful.
Spiritually, hanging with the, “I don’t know anymore” is actually a very special place; trying to recapture that early L.A. vibe of “newness, innocence and openness” in this “special place” is incredibly difficult. It’s hard to unsee what you have seen; life as you know it gets stale-the merry go round keeps spinning…all you can hope for is letting go and moving on…listening to your souls deepest whispers; echoing through your body that a shift needs to occur…
I sometimes feel like I am in space on a mission and my tether is cut-I am now floating aimlessly; having no idea how to get back and no idea where the fuck I am going….”lost in space…” Music is my mission. Part of me feels dead inside some days, but there is a light still flickering....
This is my last year of my 40’s. I am allowed to have a mid life crisis; I just need to live to 100….
Thanks for reading The Indie Musician's Way! This post is public so feel free to share it.
I post pretty regularly on my INSTAGRAM. I also post notes here on my substack. You can find them in the NOTES section…
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