The End of a decade...

As I write this-it is not quite the first day of spring…February has just left but spring sprung quickly here in Los Angeles-which I guess is pretty usual in So Cal; before the official deadline signaling the end of winter. My birthday falls in the middle of February and I always feel like its the last moments I can experience any winter energy of seasonal solitude and cozy solace before the bloom of spring bursts forth- and with it-the significant sunny and extroverted energy that signifies Los Angeles…it won’t be until fall-that the next major vibe change will happen to the city...

I turned 49 this year-the last year of a decade; a significant one-my life is half over. This is not a negative declaration, but a simple awareness of a shift in life that happens to everyone lucky enough to get there…how will I honor this chance at a stab at the second half of life?

Birthdays are sacred to me-but they used to not be. I used to not care if I was alive or not. I suffered from depression most of my life. It took a lot of inner work to not feel that way-and now my birthday is a sacred reminder of finding the light-surviving and hopefully thriving another year...there are still lots of challenging times and sadness that comes and go; but a personal pursuit of finding joy….and with life being half over, now birthdays have become even more significant. In the light of pursuing my dream of music, I look at my birthday as a way to honor and celebrate myself as one of the creative spirits on earth destined to share art and spread some joy in this brief time…

I always try to do something special for my birthday-usually in nature. This year my birthday fell on the unfortunate mid week day-so the weekend before, I took myself to Palm Springs where as soon as I sat down to enjoy some lunch- a stranger commented that I looked very relaxed. We had a wonderful spontaneous conversation-the kind I never get to have in Los Angeles with strangers for some reason, and when our convo turned to music-I gave him a cd which blew his mind (he was so excited!) and met his family....this is what I love about doing music-the exchange of joy through something universal and my own creativity….then I went to my favorite place, Joshua Tree; and had a wonderful time exploring the area and finding new places...

It hasn’t been an easy road to get to where I am. I still have so many stresses that I navigate and anxieties about the future, but the power and joy that exists from CHOOSING a creative life, THAT is unshakeable-it makes me feel empowered. I HAVE tried to “shake it off” at times-when trying to figure this survival shit and it becomes so difficult-but it always butts up against my passion to create and blows up in my face-so far-the desire to live a creative life FIRST remains…and I am happy.

I remember one particular end of a decade vividly-39. I moved to L.A. and turned 37 that year....for two years before turning 40-I worked really hard and accomplished so much with music...it was a very exhilarating time period being in a place I had never been and extra special because I didn’t know anything…I was completely innocent. I was finally pursuing something I always wanted to do since high school. Soon, my first album would drop and I would go on two back to back tours...I also surprisingly loved the city and discovered a sacred connection to neighboring Joshua Tree…

I also remember my 29th birthday. I made a declaration that I needed a “back up plan” to music, so I left my marriage and moved to the woods where I would enroll in a university and get a degree in something non music related. I was obsessed with music even though I wasn’t very good and had not developed any plan to pursue it; therefore-why would I need a back up plan? I still told everyone I met though, that I was “a musician.” Before my 29th birthday from ages 20-30, I would create freely without knowledge and just experiment...I listen back to those old tapes and have equal reactions of cringe but a relived joy of that free time...It was a magical ten year period of creation and another seven years after that before my move to L.A. and the hustle of being an independent musician would rear its ugly head.

Current mid life magic-49: For me-it’s letting go of the life I developed when I first moved to L.A. 12 years ago and start to develop a new life with more maturity, grace, wisdom and peace. It’s time for me to leave the extreme hustle and bustle behind; when I thought that in light of my late start to the music biz-I would have to fill in the gap from feeling very far behind to where I would ideally like to be. I discovered though, that everything happens in its own special time in each journey. I want change and growth and new experiences and am glad that at this current time-a lot is, “falling apart.”

I think “confusion” is in my chart. I am the last day of Aquarius but if you speak to certain astrology people-some will say that Aquarius ends on the 17th (my birthday is the 18th) and Pisces begins on the 18th. I had my chart professionally done-and even though I do not put too much stock in astrology, I AM full Aquarius :) but right on that edge....there is another weird aspect of being an Aquarian-we are air signs but WATER bearers...maybe that is why I cry a lot!

I started this very monumental birthday out by checking my horoscope on Daily Om. The tagline read, “Unexpected insights may emerge in your professional environment today…”

It was a Wednesday-I was under the weather; and I wasn’t going to my day job-but I read on....”having both the Sun and Moon in Pisces (even Daily Om is confused”) enhances your intuitive and empathetic qualities encouraging a deep dive into your emotions and creativity...” well okay!

And then lastly-”Capricorn is your most compatible sign-collaborating with a Capricorn could lead to meaningful progress in your professional endeavors....”my partner happens to be Capricorn and his studio is where I am recording my album, so off I went to do some recording and another wild ride of being Aquarian...

After a lovely recording session, I took myself out for a deep reflection session (two mimosas)-this was the outfit-because everyone should have a special outfit for their birthday.

I feel a renewed sense of hope after a long period of grief from a music life I had built up and is gone…this happens. We can lay down and die and have our period of grief or: redefine, grow, explore, redefine and move on. This is what makes life exciting. New adventures in the changing times. It’s a game with illusions, but why not play and continue to create….

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