Processing Loss

“Grief is visceral, not reasonable. . . It is love in its most wild form.” ~~Author and Psychotherapist, Megan Divine

I’ve been thinking about loss and grief this week. About how loss is experienced in many different ways as we journey through life. From the loss of a much-loved Teddy Bear when I was five (the tears were copious), to the losses of family and friends, beloved pets and the losses of dreams unfulfilled. Changes in health and capability as I’ve aged have brought loss and sadness that needs to be acknowledged, experienced and healed.

Every change is a loss, whether we choose it or not. A state of being has shifted and a new state of being is present but not yet fully integrated. What I know is change takes time and often I have moved through change in a rush. Not taking time to feel the feelings has not served me well. Even many years later, my unexpressed sadness surfaces in dreams. What I think might no longer be held in my cells, is still there, and it calls for my attention while my conscious mind is at rest.

I believe all grief comes forth from love, the degree commensurate with the love held for that which is lost. And all grief ultimately moves into acceptance through love. Did I mention mistakes yet? I add them to the list of experiences that are losses, especially if mistakes were not allowed as I grew up in a family that expected as close to perfection as possible.

Talking with one of my oldest friends this week, I realized that friendships that ended, perhaps not by my choice, were losses that I grieved then and now. As we talked about the various people in our lives that overlapped, I had the idea of all these relationships as interlocking circles moving in and out of the boundaries of my life. And I am reminded that I am one of those circles in the universe of another’s life.

When it comes to the loss of a close loved one, there is no answer to the eternal ‘why’ that often follows. I only know that at the heart of each and every relationship is love, that illuminating grace of life. I would not want to live without the ability to love and to love deeply. What I have discovered in dealing with loss is that the healing process returns me to where I started - it returns me to love.

At the same time, it returns me to self-forgiveness for time not spent, words not spoken, or hugs not given. Memories of what was lost become warm and loving, no longer painful. Instead, I feel grateful for the love that was given. And I think that is what processing loss is all about - it is about the journey from sadness and pain back to love and the deep gratitude for those moments shared.

I talked with one of my older cousins today. She did not pass her driving test this year and has had to give up her car. We talked about the loss not of a piece of machinery but of what that represented - the loss of independence and the freedom to go places at will. It’s a big shift in life when something taken for granted for years, suddenly is gone, not by choice but by necessity. These transitions have ripple effects that create new interlocking circles filled with new people who might help fill the gap. But it is an uncomfortable change and takes time to accept that more reliance is needed on new support services and people. A change from independence to dependence on others is a big shift.

I know my dreaming mind will continue to bring up and release loss and sadness that I haven’t processed. That is the blessing of a psyche continuing the work of balancing itself. When I wake up from one of these dreams, I feel lighter and grateful. Such dreams are gifts that deepen my love of self and my connection with my illuminated soul light. From that connection, my compassion expands. And as that happens I again experience the illuminating grace of love.

With love,

Cathleen