Notes on: conscious co-parenting and nesting by choice

I’ve wanted to talk about co-parenting for a while now, because I think we all need more role models for how it can be done positively and amicably, with the child centred at the heart of it all.

I truly believe that two individually happy parents make for a happy child, and there are many different ways to parent that don’t involve a romantic relationship as a prerequisite. Having come from one myself (even if it didn’t feel broken), it always makes me stiffen when I hear the phrase ‘broken family’ and I think it’s a concept that is long overdue a reframing.

Co-parenting might indeed result from separation or divorce, but it doesn’t mean that the individuals (especially the child or children) within it need to be broken. It is just a different family set-up – one that can be messy and unconventional and unfamiliar, but also one that can be rewarding, respectful and nurturing for everyone involved.

Here I’ve pinched a phrase from Gwynnie to describe how I see co-parenting. When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin faced their very public split in 2014, they coined the term ‘conscious uncoupling’ to reframe the separation not as a failure, but as a respectful, emotionally mature ending. They wanted to create an alternative way to still be a cohesive family unit for their children, while no longer being a romantic couple together.

When my husband and I separated three years ago we made one promise to each other. That we would always, always, put our daughter first, no matter what, even if it went against one of our own desires. We have an unusual and unconventional set-up where we still share a house in London. This is what is termed ‘nesting’, a co-parenting arrangement where the child stays in one place, in the family home, and the adults come and go. Except I don’t really have anywhere else to go right now... If I had a partner I would likely spend my week at theirs. But for the moment, my ex splits his time between London and Paris (one week on, one week off), and we find we can amicably co-habit while he is here and we are both in the house (separate bedrooms of course!!).

To answer a few questions that might be going through your head. He has a girlfriend in Paris. I’ve moved on. We are getting a divorce. There is no way back. We are clear that this is an ending for us, but not our family. This is not a halfway house or a means to keep what was once alive. It definitely doesn’t mean we might one day get back together. We are friends and co-parents, united in mission to bring up a child in the least harmful way.

Nesting can be appealing for divorced parents because it creates stability and familiarity for the child – they’re not coming and going between places, they have a solid, secure foundation, and the rest is really the problem or concern of the adults. Nesting can be financially beneficial too. Living in London, or any urban city, is extremely expensive. We wouldn’t be able to afford two separate places, and if I did have a place all of my own, it wouldn’t be half as nice as the house I have now (which coincidentally is all wrapped up in my job as an interiors writer and creator). My ex has always said he wants our daughter to retain the same standard of living and have a lovely family home. I also wouldn’t want her to go to a different Airbnb or hotel every time he comes to London. That’s not the life I wanted for her.

So we have settled into this arrangement where we are a family unit with two parents who are friends who just get on with it, sharing the same space every now and then. We eat meals together, we go out for days out in London as a family, if it’s one of our birthdays we’ll make sure to have a little celebration together. He’s even come for Christmas with my family because that’s what he thought would make our daughter happy. I’m sure he didn’t want to spend his holiday with his ex in-laws, and being very honest, I would rather he hadn’t been there, but we did it quietly and without complaint, the reward being the joy on her face when she opened her presents. On that day, it wasn’t about us.

Sure, it’s not ideal living with your ex, even if it is for half the month. When he leaves the loo seat up or messes up my space again when I’ve been used to the peace of a week on my own, I find myself inwardly screaming and tearing my hair out. BUT it is all worth it to have a daughter that is happy, confident and content. My needs have to come second, and if this is the choice we have made for our family, to split, she shouldn’t be in the firing line of a bullet we triggered and released for ourselves. It is not her fault we separated, so she shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences.

What I’ve learnt with co-parenting is that you have to be completely unselfish. There are many times when I’ve wanted to vent my frustration, but it’s not necessarily him I’m frustrated with, but more the situation itself. So we let things slide, we avoid conflict, we don’t make a big deal out of things. We never say anything bad about one another to her, unless it’s something silly like ‘papa needs to clean his room!!’. We are generous with each other; if someone forgets to put something in the diary it’s not a big deal, if plans change at the last minute we can work it out, if one of us has an idea for something we’re always open minded and willing to listen. That generosity of spirit goes a long way and helps navigate those hurdles that naturally come along.

Because you know what? In the grand scheme of things, it’s not important. Our egos, our niggles, our personal vendettas are not important. And it’s certainly not helpful. What is important is creating a calm sanctuary at home where our daughter can feel like she can be herself, where there isn’t the echo of arguing or a feeling of tension that you could cut with a knife. I don’t think our daughter will ever remember us hugging or being romantic with one another, but she will also have never seen us argue or fight. I hope we’re modelling something that will just feel normal to her.

It’s been a slow process and I feel like my daughter now gets it. She knows that we’re together as a family but not ‘together together’. She knows that papa has a girlfriend and I’m looking for a boyfriend. The other week she suggested putting a sign up on the front door saying ‘boy wanted!’, so potential suitors could ‘just knock on the door and find me’! She is so sweet in wanting me to be happy, but most of all I think she just selfishly wants a baby brother or sister, ha!

I have my own reasons for wanting to co-parent in this way. I grew up with an absent father and would look at my friends neat family units, with married partners and siblings, with a mix of jealousy and curiosity. While I had a very happy childhood, a more traditional family set-up was something I aspired to. I grew up wanting a husband and a marriage that would last ‘forever’, with two perfect children and a stable family home. I never wanted a ‘broken family’ and I never wanted this for myself or for my child.

My biggest fear when we split was that he would go back to France and I would be left a single parent, repeating the same pattern again. So, having never known my own father, never had a father to bring me back presents from trips abroad, never had a father to console me over a tumble or scraped knee, I would do anything in my power to make sure my daughter has a present father. Even if that means I have to share a house with my ex and despair at the unwashed dishes in the sink or the bags dumped in the hallway, or just the presence of him occasionally disturbing my peace. Even if it’s hard to explain to potential dates. Even if friends don’t quite understand.

But really, yes it is tiresome, but for me, it’s not that tricky. We are very lucky that it was an amicable separation and that we’re still friends. We’ve made it work. I know what I’ve described above would be difficult for a lot of people. I know that sometimes it’s not easy to let things slide and there might be a lot of other things going on. Especially if there’s domestic abuse, debt or financial constraints involved. We are one of the lucky ones and I know that. I hope we will look back and see that we made the best out of a sad situation.

Having now long ago accepted the separation, I now feel like my ex is the sibling I never had. He feels like family. I feel like perhaps I was always meant to parent with him. And I can think of no one else I would rather parent with. He is a great father. He is kind, patient and relaxed. I respect him and I hope he feels the same for me. We support each other to be better parents. He buys flowers for my daughter to give to me, to congratulate me on a big work event or to say thank you for my week of parenting. He pays for babysitters when it’s not his week and he’s in France. He even offered to order me an Uber back from a guy’s house that I was staying at. Anyone I date and meet will have to accept he is a big part of my life still, and honestly I would look after him if he was grey and incontinent because he is the father of my child. And while we broke one vow, we are tied together for life of parenting.

There are also some benefits to co-parenting too. When it’s not my week to parent, or when she goes on holiday to France, I get a taste of my old life back, from before I had a child. I get days, evenings, whole weeks to myself and it feels so very freeing to have that time where I can recover, recharge and do the things I want to do. I’m in one of those weeks now and I’ve planned something for each day so I can fill my own cup – I’ll go to a life drawing class, a book club, a dance class, I’ll see a friend who has just had a baby and meet another friend for her birthday. I’ll make a recipe that I wouldn’t normally be able to make when my daughter is around. I’ll lie in and wake up without an alarm, and savour coffee in bed without a small human jumping on me. I’ll read a book from cover to cover and wander what to do in that lost time between 3pm to evening when I would normally be in mum mode, making snacks, dinner, doing bath time and bedtime. I’ll miss her, of course, but I know it will also mean that I’ll come back to her a better mother.

I’m not saying that this is how we will always live, but what works for us now. One day I would love to meet someone and build a home with them (bonus points if they actually want to build something). The addition of an ex in that mix will surely be tricky, but we’ll get to that bridge when we come to it. For now, I know that this is a situation that’s workable and we’ll figure it out as we go, as we have done, knowing we’re simply just doing our best.

I’m proud that we’ve been able to make this transition while keeping some sense of normality and continuity for her. Divorce shouldn’t be seen as a failure, for some, like me, it’s just the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. And it can’t really be seen as a failure if our biggest achievement was creating her.

Thank you for reading, as always, I’m so glad you’re here for the deep stuff as well as the interiors, and if I can help one person feel better about their own choices or help reframe divorce and co-parenting in a less divisive way, then that’s a good job done.

Cate x