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bear with me because this is a little bit of a self induced therapy session for me because for the better part of the last two years I have been agonizing over whether or not to have one more baby, a fourth for our family, a fifth pregnancy for me. and I am so envious of women who “just know” they are done and they never look back or think about it again. because I think about it every day, several times a day and have for two years now.

getting pregnant, giving birth and raising babies has been the best near decade of my life. I think it’s such a shame that the narrative with young women today is that when you become a mom you ruin your life instead of focusing on how it can actually be the best, happiest, most vibrant years of your life because that’s how I feel about spending my thirties in a constant cycle of pregnancy, birth and babies.

in fact, I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting the end of this chapter. it’s funny because you become a new mom and yes you feel like you “lose” yourself but it only feels that way because you are actually on your way to finding who you truly are and discovering that you are capable beyond your wildest dreams. and it feels disorienting at first but oh man, another narrative I wish we’d change because you’re not lost, you’re on your way to a version of yourself you’re going to love.

time is creeping up faster for my youngest to turn two. the last two times my children turn two I’m usually pregnant five minutes later lol. and when I tell you I am struggggggling with the fact that my baby will be two in 6 weeks and there are no more babies after that, ironically I feel more lost than I ever have. because who am I if I’m not in this chapter of tiny hands reaching for me and half spoken words only I can understand from a toddler? full identity crisis loading so stick around if you want a front seat to me figuring out what’s next. but all jokes aside, I am truly beside myself. gutted. heart broken. and in full grieving mode for this most magical time in my entire life.

because here’s the real truth if I boil it down. having one more baby will not save me from having to grieve this stage of my life being over. it’s kicking the can down the road. because when I really think about it I don’t want to put my body through another pregnancy and birth and recovery. I don’t really want to go through the baby stage and have to say “no” to my big kids so much again because we have a small baby. I’d like to be able to do things as a family more easily. and looking ahead at the next stage of raising our family looks really wonderful too.

but even with all that, going through the grieving process of no more babies is hard. it’s real grief that right now hits me on a daily basis. every time my son says a new word and we move further away from baby babbles, it stings. I’m trying my best not to grieve the moment as it’s happening but so much of parenting can be just that, experiencing the most poignant dualities.

but something tells me that this last decade was a truly special pocket of my life that will forever so unique and special and magical that other seasons just won’t be able to touch. because giving birth and holding each of my babies for the first time is a moment of magic beyond words. that first 24 hours with your baby who you know from when you carried them but finally get to see and hold. having a front row seat to watching their little personalities slowing unfold. the first time you make them laugh. gummy baby smiles. hearing the first “mama”. fixing every problem with just a hug. being able to take them everywhere with you on your hip. the way they are so small and easily crawl up into your lap. when they start to bring you things like little gifts.

I am truly, wholly heartbroken to be at the end of this chapter and not the beginning. it kind of reminds me of leaving college. driving home in full hysteric tears for the 3.5 hour drive home knowing one of my favorite seasons of life is over and there’s no going back. and then I think about how much I loved my twenties and having my dream jobs and apartments in NYC and how great that was. and then spending my thirties having and loving and getting to know these babies of mine just blows it all out of the park and I do have hope and faith that life does just always get better and better.

if you're in this season right now, I know some days are so hard, let those days be hard. but don’t let the hard days tarnish this whole chapter if you can. there is so much sweetness that isn’t forever. and if you're inching closer to the other side of it faster than you want to like me, I guess we just have to trust that the next chapter has its own kind of magic. even if it doesn't come with tiny sticky hands.

I Need To Do Less and That is Hard (For Me)

August 28, 2025

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