"Oh How Maddening!"

(Note: I read all my pieces out loud for you; I think they’re best that way—but feel free to read instead! And while I do love an em dash, rest assured every post is written by me—a human—not AI.)

Dear Reader,

A few years ago, I was writing a provider spotlight piece for a medical publication. I met with the doctor via Zoom to ask a series of get-to-know-you questions so I could best prepare myself to write the piece. Per usual, I recorded our conversation so I could be fully present in the moment, assured that the recording was collecting whatever nuts and bolts details my memory may have misplaced. During interviews, I often lose myself in the other person’s story which, if I make sure I cover all the ground I need to, I enjoy.

Today, I stumbled across the recording, and while listening to it, something I said pulled on my ear:

Did you catch that?
I said:

“Oh how maddening!”

My first instinct was to shove my nose into the air, lightly pinch it between thumb and forefinger with pinky raised, and affect some sort of Cruella de Vil, three octave parody of my own sentiment.

But why?

Nothing about the interview was cynical. I meant every word with the earnestness of a child enraptured. And I do mean that.
I am, still, grateful all over when someone chooses to sit across from me and spend their time answering my questions. Regardless of whether or not it benefits them.
Because our time is so very precious, a fickle thing on fast feet.

Also, people are fascinating, each one a box of treasures spread over a landscape of personality. As an interviewer, I’m a guest to each cherished acre of land and, with the discernment of one treading on holy ground, I find each treasure, turn it over in my hands, bless it, and then put it back just exactly where I found it.

So why would my first gut punch of an instinct lead me away from the holy (earnestness) to the profane (sarcasm)?

Now, look. I live in this time period.
I can be sarcastic just like anyone else; in fact, I think a person might not survive socially these days without at least a working relationship with sarcasm. But I often feel as though we’re so quick to roll our eyes at wonder and delight when its expressed with vulnerability and honesty.

I often find myself staunching my own my earnest reactions before they bubble out, worried that others won’t take me seriously if I’m too honest. (“She’s too emotional, flighty, head in the clouds, intense, etc.”) When I do this, I become a little harder, and joy unexpressed sinks to the bottom making me feel like I’m missing something—like losing a sneeze.

My exclamation of “Oh how maddening!” is a genuine reaction, a bid for connection as Brené Brown would say. It communicates: I am so connected to your story that I am empathizing with you, and you’re worth empathizing with.
Is there a greater compliment?

With wide-eyed earnestness,

Carrie