Three of Broken Bones

Walks* in with an awkward smile

Heeeyyyy…how y’all doing? I disappeared the entire month of May because I crashed my bike and got myself a trimalleolar fracture in my ankle. Three broken bones and a torn ligament. ER visit, insurance issues, obscene bills. Surgery. Bones now held together with plates and screws. Haven’t been able to put any weight on my right foot for almost a month.

*so when I say walks in, what I really mean is “glides in on crutches”

Can’t do much of anything without help (thankfully my husband has been doing A LOT). It’s taken a mental toll on me as well as a physical toll. I get flashbacks to when my mom was dying from ALS. I feel guilty for feeling bad for myself when I know I’ll heal and make a full recovery. It sends me into PTSD spirals about what it was like for my mom to know her body was failing and it would only get worse.

SIGH

Luckily, I’m in therapy (mental health therapy that is, and will be starting physical therapy soon). And although my insurance is hot garbage at least I have insurance at all. The American healthcare system is truly broken. Like my bones. Man, oh, man (gione). Depression has certainly crept in. But I’ve managed to still find a lot to be grateful for. And I will make a full recovery, they say.

I’m also disappointed because my goal has been to share 3x per month here, and as mentioned earlier, I disappeared in May. I suppose breaking my ankle is an understandable reason, but I’m still upset about it. Probably no one noticed but me.

Anyhow! This has all been a dramatic preamble to today’s focus: tarot from the heart. If you’ve been around a while, you know how this works. I get grounded, centered and present to the best of my ability. We pull a card and I share whatever it brings up for me. We pull a few more cards until it feels like the session is complete. I’m using the Spacious Tarot.

To begin, I have the Chariot reversed. Ahaha, ohohoho. My goodness, this is too on the nose, for me at least, and maybe you can relate? I feel here a sense of being held back. Of desiring to move forward in some specific direction but feeling blocked from doing so. In my case, it’s a physical limitation. I literally can’t move forward.

But the reversed Chariot could also speak of a mental block. Executive dysfunction, perhaps. Or limiting beliefs, lack of self-confidence. Or a systematic block. Not being able to get where you want to go due to lack of resources.

It’s frustrating. To know the direction you want to head but be unable to do so. To look around and see others accomplishing things and meeting goals and you’re just… drifting.

In the imagery for the Spacious Tarot, you’re on a river. The current coming down towards you. In some instances, the Chariot suggests you are able to push past that current. Move mountains. Orchestrate things the way you want them to go despite all odds.

But sometimes, you simply can’t beat the current. Trying to swim upstream takes up more energy than just saying “alright, I can’t do this right now.” It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you are able to realistically identify what’s happening around you, and find some form of acceptance instead of fighting a losing battle.

It doesn’t mean you’ll NEVER move forward. It just means you need to save your energy for the right moment.

Next I have the Sun, also in reverse. Wow. This ties in so beautifully to the clarity we were just discussing. The Sun allows us to see things as they are. At its best, it illuminates the bigger picture, beyond this specific moment in time. The Sun shows that there is always A Way Forward even if it isn’t the way we envisioned. And we may not see the way yet.

For me at least, this card seems like a reminder to stay energetically open to the path forward. Don’t force it, but be ready to receive it when it does appear. And most of all, stop aching for a path forward that simply is not available to me right now.

Finally, I have Justice. Although I’m not much of a Thoth person, I’m thinking about how Crowley retitled this card Adjustment. Amber Jayanti writes of this card: “imbalances, which may be perceived as the down cycles of the Wheel of Life, are often necessary in achieving a more stable balance. As in most instances, conflict and disequilibrium facilitate deeper understanding, with time.”

This seems to harmonize with much of the messages shared so far. With the Chariot, we are hellbent on a specific path forward, but the reversal hints that this isn’t available to us now. With the Sun, we begin to see a new and different way forward.

And now, with Justice/Adjustment we say, fine. This is a set back. An imbalance. But if I AM OPEN TO IT, I can find a new balance. I can learn from this. If I’m open to it, this experience can be rich with meaning. I get to decipher what that meaning is. With time and openness and adjustment I can regain my sense of composure. I can and will once again feel like I am the director of my own life.

Well! That was helpful for me. I thank you for reading, and hope maybe you got something out of these cards as well. Sending you solidarity for finding the path.

Carrie