Outer chaos, inner calm

My new cat Vivi Peppercorn is sitting on my desk and I’m staring at a blank document and thinking “maybe I should let her write, she’s quite expressive.”

As thrilled as she would be to waltz across the keyboard with or without my permission it would probably come out something like aaaaAAAKKKKKKKK:::::::: but who’s to say that wouldn’t be meaningful to someone?

Anyhow, today we are doing the practice this Substack is named for: tarot from the heart. Which is essentially where I come to you with a tarot deck, and no real plan, we pull some cards and see what conversations they spark. I’m using the Pastel Waite-Smith deck.

First, we have the reversed Six of Wands. Wow. The cards are really like “Carrie, you need to start by being vulnerable about how you’ve been feeling behind at life.” And so I will, because maybe someone out there can relate.

Culturally, there are certain ‘milestones’ society tells us we need to hit by certain points in life. Get the degrees, the job, the salary, the house, two point five kids and a white picket fence. Collectively, these have become harder and harder to access. Yet society still often views it as an individual failure instead of a systemic issue.

Sure, I have hit some of these ~*milestones*~ for whatever it’s worth. But as I age I feel more and more insecure about what I haven’t done. Like, I’m childfree by choice. By choice! And I’m content with that choice. But I still can’t help but feel like society sometimes views me as less than because of this. Women are, for better or worse, defined by others usually first and foremost by their status as a mother. Even though I know this is the right choice for me, I still sometimes feel like an outsider because of it.

I also feel a reversed Six of Wands-esque lack of success career wise. I’ve been self-employed for over a decade and let me tell you it has been a roller coaster. The past few years in particular I’ve gone through some immense traumas and my mental health took a big hit. I’ve been feeling like I’ve stalled out in my work and keep getting stuck about how to best move forward.

Maybe you can relate? There are certain things we are told we should have or want, and sometimes we either cannot access them or simply don’t want them and this makes us feel like we are on the fringes.

Perhaps this card asks us some valuable questions such as: can you differentiate between the things the world tells you that you should achieve vs the things you actually desire to achieve? And can you differentiate between your personal shortcomings and the failures of broader systems?

Let’s pull another card… OH MY CHRIST, it’s the Ten of Wands. The cards really aren’t giving me a break today.

This continues some of the messages of the first card. The Ten of Wands says “you are carrying a burden that NO ONE would be capable of carrying alone, and it isn’t fair for you or anyone else to expect that you can do all of this.”

I believe this applies to ALL of us. In varying ways, but all of us. We are all expected to someone be fully functioning, optimized human beings in this bat shit world of political dysfunction, AI slop, late capitalism. Sorry to always be bitching about these things but come on. It’s a lot. And we’re all expected to just be like that dog drinking coffee in the fire meme and be like “it’s fine I’m still pushing forward doing all the things.”

Man, I really didn’t want to write a depressing post today so let’s see if another card can help us shift things here.

Oh, the King of Cups! This does feel like a calming balm after the first two cards. This card reminds us: emotional well-being is a priority individually and collectively. At first I typed “should be” a priority then I deleted that and wrote IS A PRIORITY. The King of Cups embodies authority and says this is so, because my emotional intelligence know it to be so.

How would we move through the world differently if emotional well-being was a priority? Well, in some ways it could influence what we talked about with the first two cards. Instead of looking at “what should I have achieved by now” we might ask “how do I feel deep in my bones and in my heart about the way I’m living?” Instead of “oh shit I have to keep going going going or everything will fall apart” we might say “I will care for the genuine needs of myself and others first. I will not sacrifice keeping my internal peace in order to create an illusion of having it together on the outside.”

The King of Cups refuses to be in the energy of urgency. They know they deserve an energy of peace. They claim this sense of inner calm regardless of external chaos.

The King of Cups also reminds me of a practice I’ve ebbed and flowed with over the years. Maybe you remember the Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte? It had a moment in the sun in the spiritual/personal growth realm about a decade ago. The core idea has never left me. It is this: define how you want to feel. Settle into a few words that resonate with the feelings you desire. Use those feelings as anchors and guideposts for how you live your life.

I did this many years ago and my core desired feelings haven’t changed. They are: solid, magical, connected, open.

Although I still resonate with these feeling-states, I’ve waxed and waned with how conscious I am about this. The King of Cups feels like a reminder to energetically open up to the ways you want to feel. Seek them out. Be receptive to them.

It’s somehow easier to identify how we don’t want to feel. Like, in the previous cards: I don’t want to feel behind, like a failure, overextended. Got it. So to get a little woo-woo with it, how can I then attune myself to the ways I do want to feel? How can I tune the radio dial of my consciousness away from the static and into the desired ways of being and feeling?

It’s a constant process. For me lately that process has involved movement, being outside in general, art journaling, sitting in silence, therapy, medication, vitamins. And cat cuddles, of course. When Vivi Peppercorn takes time out from her busy schedule of being a gremlin from the underworld she is quite sweet.

Thanks for being here and I wish you portals into the feelings YOU most desire.

Carrie