Show Up

Recently in pilates class, I was doing a difficult balancing exercise when muscle fatigue got the best of me. I’d used extra heavy springs, and by the end of class, each additional movement caused me to wobble progressively more. I started to resemble a perpetual motion toy.

I looked for a focal point on the wall in front of me. Ugh. Studio policies and pricing? Why the studio chose to cover this wall with those signs is just beyond me. Where’s the motivation? This isn’t the energy I need. I’m trying not to fall over! While questioning their choices, I found the only sign that could be taken as inspirational. ‘Show Up’. I clung onto it visually.

Although practical, ‘Show Up’ turned the balance exercise into a centering moment for me. Show up. Show up for class. Show up for yourself. Show up for others. I stopped wobbling and completed the exercise successfully.

Show up for yourself. Show up for others.

Well before I saw the sign at pilates, ‘Show Up’ was the guide for making friends in my new phase of life.

Having recently moved across the country, my husband and I are in a new phase of our lives. We’re exploring our new city, meeting people, and becoming part of the community. ‘Show Up’ is helping us make this place our home. At a practical level, I remind myself to ‘Show Up’ and it helps me try new things. More expansively, it helps me to be thoughtful about how I show up for myself, for other people, and for the community. Here are the four things I’m doing to make new friends.

We’d been in our new home for a few weeks when the doorbell rang early one evening. Already in my pajamas because of the exhaustion from unpacking, I padded over to the front door. Through the glass I saw a woman wearing a big smile, holding a bottle of wine and a vase of flowers. Opening the door with a warm hello and some curiosity, I was excited to see someone so friendly. Carole introduced herself as our neighbor across the street, “I wanted to come over and officially welcome you to the neighborhood!”

Standing in the shade of the front veranda, the quick welcome turned into a full visit. Turning down offers to come inside, Carole said she’d only dropped by to introduce herself and to welcome us. We chatted long enough that the intense 110 heat pickled my skin and rivulets of sweat dripped down my body.

It turned out that a stroke of good luck meant that my husband and I had bought a house across the street from a wonderful, friendly, easy going, intelligent, and fun couple. They were the type of neighbors we always hoped for, but never had. Getting to know our neighbors is a central component to our friendship plan in this new phase of life.

A few nights after meeting Carole, we invited her and her husband over for cocktails and appetizers. They arrived at 5:00 p.m., a heaping bowl of grilled shrimp in hand. We settled into the sofas on the back veranda. I’d covered the coffee table with a cheese board, a charcuterie and lox board, crackers, a baguette, bowls of nuts and olives, and a platter of grapes and berries. The conversation flowed easily as we got to know each other between bites of food.

I assumed Carole and Don would stay about an hour and then I’d make a light dinner for my husband and myself. But then early evening turned to dusk, and my husband switched on the exterior sconces to give us more light. We kept talking. Once it got dark and the moths were bothersome, we moved the party inside.

We had so much fun with them. They left at 10:25 p.m, and a cocktail party for the four of us had lasted for 5 1/2 hours. I used to entertain a lot, for both small and large groups of people. But this relaxed, long pacing was new to me. Every get together since the first party has had a similar vibe.

Two weeks later, Carole invited us over for dinner along with Mark and Ruthie from down the street. That Saturday night dinner turned into a second dinner the following night as well. After dinner on Sunday, my husband and I giggled to ourselves. We were like kids in college! A booming social life! People to see! Fun to be had! We were thrilled.

It was the beginning of our neighborhood Supper Club. Trading off who hosts, these regular dinner parties are filled with laughter, shared stories, and thoughtful discussions. We’re different ages and from different backgrounds, which is a healthy contrast to the things we share in common. Getting together monthly has allowed us to build our friendships both individually and as a group.

We joined the local Jewish Community Center and at our first pickleball clinic, the instructor asked us all to introduce ourselves and share why we decided to take the class. My husband and I introduced ourselves, then he said, “We’ve played a few times before, but we want to start playing regularly. And since we’re new to town, we thought this would be a good way to make new friends.”

We went around the circle, then the couple across from us shared a similar answer. Frank and Sandra wanted to make new friends as well. I smiled and asked, “Oh, are you new here too?” “No,” Sandra giggled, “We’ve lived here for 30 years, but we’re looking to make new friends also.”

Her answer shocked me. I assumed that everyone else had their friendship card filled. I felt like my husband and I were the only one looking for new friends and it was scary. But here was a couple who had lived here for 30 years, and they were looking to make new friends. We weren’t the only ones.

A new phase of your life might result in looking for new friends while you’re in the same place. Or a new phase of your life might result in moving across the country and looking for new friends there. Either way, Sandra’s answer showed me that friendship continues to evolve for many of us.

…friendship continues to evolve for many of us.

New to golf, we met them one afternoon to play a fast course they’d recommended. On the 17^th hole I said that I wanted to build up to playing golf twice a week. Sandra said, “We’d love to do that with you!”

My husband and Frank are both avid hikers. They’ve started to do 8-hour hikes together. When I shared that I’d put ‘Do 50 short hikes in 2025’ on my ’25 Things to Do in 2025’ list, Frank chimed in, “I know lots of great places, let’s do that together!”

When I signed up for a metalsmith class, my husband was inspired to look for a class we could do together. He signed us up for Latin ballroom dancing, then texted Frank and Sandra to suggest they take it with us. They signed up for the class right away. Our group text thread popped off with gifs and jokes about dancing.

Over the course of the last few months, our time with Frank and Sandra has expanded to include dinners, movie night, trivia night, and support during health crisis. I’m grateful that our enthusiasm and openness to friendship is reciprocated by them.

4. Show Up for Community

Our friendship plan is also anchored by becoming members of a Synagogue, because it is by officially joining the community that we can grow our roots. But joining isn’t enough, showing up is essential. Regular attendance at Shabbat and holiday services is a repeated calendar event for us. It’s so important that we schedule other events around it.

Getting to know a community takes work. I push through my mild social anxiety and instead of leaving immediately following morning services, I stay for the communal luncheon. Once seated, the initial conversations aren’t always easy. I’ve pushed myself to get as comfortable as possible in the awkwardness that comes with meeting new people and spending time with people you barely know.

I remember that years ago, conversations with people I’d just met could easily get started with “What do you do for a living?” or “Do you have any children?” (this I’d only say at functions related to my kids) or “How do you know that person?” Those questions don’t work well for me now.

The questions I’m relying on to start conversations include, “What do you enjoy doing in your free time? What books or tv shows are you enjoying right now? What brought you to the Synagogue? What did you think about the torah portion this morning? What is one good thing, little or big, from your week?” So far these questions have worked well and filled the quiet space that follows introductions with warm interactions.

Beyond meeting new people, we look for ways to support others. When we first joined a few months ago, we had lunch with a woman and her elderly father. Then this January, he died and we showed up at her house to make a shiva call, express our condolences, join the evening prayer service, and share dinner. When the monthly bulletin announced the engagement of a member we see regularly at services, we made a donation in her honor. Seeing her at Synagogue the next week, we congratulated her. In joining a community, it’s how we show up for other people that creates our connection to it.

In joining a community, it’s how we show up for other people that creates our connection to it.

The magic of ‘Show Up’ is that doing so makes it possible to find new friends. The time we’ve spent with them has added to our happiness and quality of life just as I hoped. Paired with a corresponding low pressure approach means that I’m holding fewer expectations of other people. That allows me to accept them as they are. I’m not looking for a best friend, that’s too much pressure. I’m just looking for friends. It’s all led to a joyful, relaxed, and vibrant social life that has done wonders for my husband and me.

I’m curious: What’s your ‘Show Up’ plan for making new friends? Please share in the comments!