Struggling to change your behaviour?

Dear One,

It was in one of our many sessions last year that this client told me about a behaviour he wanted to change.

He’d tried so many times and was getting nowhere.

Even though it was something that a lot of people struggle with he felt embarrassed, ashamed and frustrated that he couldn’t just decide to change this habit and then follow through.

He’d identified the behaviour and he didn’t like this part of himself that carried on this way.

He saw that it hurt his relationships and he wanted to change.

He’d read far more books than most people ever will. He was very highly educated will multiple degrees and certificates. And he’d been an active participant in the personal development industry longer than I’d even known such a thing existed.

But even with all this education and experimenting, he just couldn’t make this change.

Here’s what I taught this client that I want you to understand if you don’t already.

(Courtesy of Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

In short, here’s how it works:

We’ve been trained to think, “If I want to have this result, then I need to do this particular action. (The end).”

But if it was that simple then everyone would have what they wanted!

And I bet you, like me, have sometimes struggled to get what you want, right?

Here’s what’s missing:

Who you are being directly affects what you do…

• in your relationships

• in your business

• with your physical and mental health

• with your finances, and

• in all other areas of your life.

Despite what you might think, you’re not lazy or stupid or broken.

And you don’t need another guru to tell you what to do.

You just need to find and change the “code” that’s causing you to be the sort of person who does this shitty thing you don’t like about yourself.

Whether it’s spending more money than you make, or attracting nasty partners, or eating crapping food, or endlessly complaining about things, all of these behaviours can be changed.

But very few people can change them through willpower alone. And even then, I’ve watched the strongest-willed people I know change some behaviours successfully, only to have other changes elude them for decades.

Stop trying to force yourself to change behaviours.

It’s a waste of your precious time, energy and attention.

Instead, learn how to find the unhelpful beliefs, the stuck energy and/or the unresolved emotion from that traumatic incident you never dealt with that are causing you to continue to be someone who does the behaviour, that then has the result you do not want.

Then, and only then, will your life magically transform.

With love,

Caroline.

P.S. In case you are someone who has no idea how to make a change at this being level (as in, changing beliefs, shifting stuck energy and resolving old emotional baggage sounds like a kind of witchery you’re not at all skilled in), then please know there are a lot of different ways this can be done.

I do this work with clients using a method I call Trauma-Informed Tapping. (If you’ve heard of EFT, it’s similar to that but about 100 iterations better since I first began studying it more than a decade ago.) You can book sessions with me here or if you’re a paid subscriber here on Substack you can ask me any question you like about the elements needed to make a ‘change tool’ truly effective.

Here’s to creating the life you want.