If you have a teen in your life—or can remember being one—you know how central friendships are during adolescence. Feeling like you belong shapes how young people develop their identities, values, and sense of self. That’s one reason parenting in the digital age can feel so difficult.
If everyone else is online, what happens to the kid who isn’t?
Psychologists have a name for this type of anxiety: FOMO, or the fear of missing out. We worry that teens who aren’t constantly connected will be excluded from the conversations, friendships, and experiences that matter most.
But when we spoke with Maddie (16) and Samuel (13), two siblings from Sacramento, they described something different. After watching friends get pulled into endless notifications, group chat drama, and social media, they made a surprising choice. They still have phones and use technology, but on their own terms.
Instead of FOMO, they talked about JOMO: the joy of missing out.
Their perspective isn’t a prescription for every family. But it offers something we don’t hear often enough: teenagers explaining, in their own words, why opting out can sometimes feel like freedom. They spoke with our Executive Director, Carolyn Gan, about setting boundaries, prioritizing face-to-face connection, and navigating a digital world without feeling like they have to be online all the time.
A Different Kind of Digital Childhood
Carolyn: How would you describe each other’s approach to technology? Where are you alike and where are you different?
Samuel: Maddie likes to do games when we’re all together as a family, but overall, she really does not like to be on the phone or in any chats.
Maddie: Same kind of thing with Sam. The way we approach technology is very similar. If we want to do something online, like games, we tend to just do them together, because it’s not fun when you’re just doing it by yourself.
Carolyn: With the 3 year age difference, do you feel like you had different digital childhoods?
Samuel: The only difference that I really see is how our friends use it. A lot of the middle school boys [now] are really addicted to games and their phones.
Maddie: For me, [getting a phone] was more of a high school thing. [When I see] 8-year-olds with phones, it feels weird to me. I asked not to get a phone until my parents felt like I should have one, which was [when I was] going to high school.
Samuel: I have a phone for medical reasons, and in case of emergencies, but I really don’t use it that much.
Friends & Phones
Carolyn: How is your friends’ approach to technology different from your approach?
Maddie: They like to have everyone’s contact information. They have text strings. I would rather not, because I don’t want to be there, waiting for this person to text back. It creates a stress that they might not even realize.
All of them use it differently, but mostly we try our best to just use it as a tool. Some of them do have social media. Most of them have been on social media and removed it because it didn’t make them feel good.
Samuel: A lot of my friends are in these massive group chats with 50 kids in them each, and it’s just chaos for them. My friends that are gamers are really attached to the screen. A lot of [friends who are gamers] are only children, and because of that, they find a way to use technology to be social.
Carolyn: Maddie, how did you know you didn’t want a phone until high school, or how did you know you didn’t want to participate in group chats?
Maddie: At the end of elementary school or in middle school, I would see my friends’ older siblings with phones. It was definitely a shift where they’re like, ‘I want to be on my phone, then I want to hang out.’ And I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to feel attached to my phone all the time. At school, sometimes people use [phones] appropriately as a tool, but sometimes they become a little too obsessed with it, and it does kind of change them, especially if they get social media.
Carolyn: What do you think allows somebody to have a healthy relationship with technology?
Samuel: Some of my friends have a healthy relationship [with gaming]. There are a lot of really good gamers, and they’re still nice people, and they’re open, and they’ll still talk with you. But some of my friends would rather be on their phone than in a conversation.
With a healthy relationship, sometimes when their parents ask to put it away, they’ll be like, ‘Okay, sure. Is it okay if I maybe come back to this later?’ And then they just go and do something off-screen. For other people, it’s more of an obsession. It feels like they have to be on it at all times.
Maddie: A big thing in high school is [that] teachers don’t want you on your phones during class, but you’re allowed to have them out during passing period, or when a teacher says you can, or during lunch. The biggest “tell” for me is how people use their phones during lunch. There are some people that will put their AirPods in and just be on Instagram the entire time, and not really eat their food.
Another really big way to tell if they have a healthy relationship is kind of what Samuel was saying. Do they have to be on it, or are they choosing to for a little reset? Because once there’s more of that, like, ‘I need this,’ then it’s harder to get them off the device, and then it starts going downhill from there.
The Joy of Missing Out
Carolyn: Have you ever felt left out not knowing what was going on in the group chat?
Maddie: The only group chat that I am in is for band, because I’m one of the section leaders. [The only time I] have my phone on and am actually waiting for texts is if I’m waiting for instructions when we’re out on the field.
It’s less FOMO, and more like JOMO. I’m really happy to be missing out on all that, because I know if it’s something that they actually wanted to talk to me about, they’d just talk to me in person. When people just have online relationships, I think it’s a lot harder for them, because they’re like, ‘oh, I need to be on here, because this is the only way they can reach me.’
Samuel: I also have JOMO when my friends talk about their group chats, because when they try to form a group chat, they’re always mad at it. They find a way to twist each other’s words to make themselves angrier. The only really important thing in group chats in middle school is if you’re trying to hang out. All my friends have my mom’s number, and that’s how we were able to work around that.
Carolyn: When you ask friends to text your mom, how do they react?
Samuel: My friends understand my boundaries, and they’re more like, ‘hi, we’re gonna, like, form a group chat. Do you wanna be in it or not?’
Carolyn: Asking for consent!
Maddie: Yeah. If my friends want to plan on doing something, I plan with them in person. This is a personal preference. People can still have healthy relationships being in group chats and enjoying their phone. I just don’t really care to be on it, because I’d rather be doing music or something off-screen.
When Technology Isn’t Optional
Carolyn: You mentioned that in band you’re required to use the group chat to coordinate. Are there other activities where you have been required to use an app or a device to participate?
Maddie: [At school] we have an app called Minga. They don’t give us physical student IDs. Our IDs are on our phone on Minga. If there’s an upcoming event, you RSVP on [the app]. They have what’s called Minga points [where] teachers can assign points, and you can use it at the student store, and it’s all through your phone. If you want to go to the library, you have to bring your phone to scan in. So we actually use our phones a lot, which is funny, because we don’t have them in class. There have been instances where [teachers have said], ‘hey, no phones allowed. Okay, everyone scan this QR code.’ There’s not really consistency with it.
Carolyn: Maddie, you had some friends who were on social media and then decided to get off. Can you talk any more about that?
Maddie: In one of my AP classes, we had to do a current issue assignment as part of the AP test [and we chose] social media and teenagers. We had an anonymous Google form sent out to our class, and asked how many hours do you spend on [social media]? Do you feel worried, or do you feel any, like, negative emotions afterwards? The majority of the class said they usually had more negative feelings afterward.
For my friend specifically, I think it was Snapchat. I don’t know exactly what went on, I just know that it went bad enough to the point where she needed a little bit more mental health help, and once she got rid of the app, she felt so much better. And now she’s involved in all sorts of stuff at school. Social media just didn’t help her.
Samuel: In middle school, a lot of people are [using social media]. And the only emotions coming off of it is either they’re super angry or it’s like a false joy. They’re doing it because they think it makes them happy, but it only makes them sadder.
Building Trust Around Technology
Carolyn: If a parent came to you and said, “I want my kid to feel like they can talk to me about anything online,” what would you say?
Samuel: Be honest. Why are you concerned? Because a lot of the time, the parents aren’t expressing why they don’t like it. They just say, ‘I don’t like it,’ and then kind of take it away. But to the kid, that’s like my thing.
Kids and teens can tell when you’re talking to us like we’re a little younger than we are. And once that happens, the trust is gone, and then they do not listen to whatever that [authority] figure says. — Maddie, age 16
Samuel: I’ve seen this with my friends when their parents do that. They start to actually withhold information, because they don’t feel like they’re being seen or being respected.
Carolyn: If another family wanted to build the kind of relationship with technology that you have, where should they start?
Maddie: Step one is having an open conversation with everyone. You don’t need it to be a one-on-one thing, especially if it’s a family with more than one kid, that kid’s gonna feel singled out. So if you just have a group thing, say, ‘all of us together, we’re gonna just talk about this.’ Or even if the kid could show the parent, ‘this is what I do online.’ Don’t treat it as a punishment. Just be like, ‘I’m curious.’ Especially if there aren’t any real problems yet.
Also finding hobbies that you want to do together as a family.
Samuel: And even if you do decide to do technology, do a game that you can all do together, and that’s family bonding.
Maddie: Because it’s really, really fun when we do game nights like that. I’d say for parents, making an effort to do activities with their kids. Don’t just be like, ‘I want you off the screen, you’re gonna now go play outside.’
Carolyn: Are there conversations that young people can have to help make sure friends understand and respect boundaries when it comes to technology?
Maddie: [Start by establishing] why you have the phone. Why do you use it at school? Why do you want you to have it? [Share] the goals of your phone and set those boundaries as early on as you can. As it progresses, it’s a lot harder to do.
Samuel: And also [for parents] set the boundary of why you don’t want them to have other people’s contacts, why you don’t want to be in all these group chats or to share their information with people.
Carolyn: What do you hope will change about the digital world, or what will stay the same as you get older?
Maddie: I honestly hope people use social media a little bit less. I’ve seen it change people and I don’t want to be changed by it. I really hope that more kids don’t have phones, if there’s a way to even normalize that. Just be here.
Carolyn: Thank you both for being here. I so appreciate hearing your perspectives.
Maddie: Thank you for having us. It was super fun.
Your Turn!
As parents, our job is to prepare our kids for life—guiding them through age-old challenges like drugs, sex, and alcohol, and now, the unique challenges of growing up in a digital world. As Maddie and Samuel reminded us, healthy boundaries aren’t built through rules alone. They grow from curiosity, trust, and ongoing conversations. Here are questions to help get you started:
Ask, don’t assume. “What do you enjoy most about being in your group chats?”
Talk about tradeoffs. “When does your phone help you feel connected? When does it make you feel stressed?”
Explore FOMO together.“Have you ever felt pressure to be in a group chat or on social media? What do you think you’d gain—or lose—by stepping away?”
Lead with curiosity, not punishment. “I’m curious about what you are seeing online.”
Build boundaries together. “What kind of relationship with technology do you want to have?”
For more ideas about setting boundaries with your family around technology, check out the Tech/Life Balance series—free, bilingual resources from First Partner Jennifer Siebel Newsom and the California Partners Project.
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