KEY POINTS
Orgasming during masturbation is different than orgasming with a partner.
Many people who can orgasm alone struggle to orgasm with another person.
In order to orgasm you have to be able to relax and be present.
Give yourself and your partner time and patience as you learn the skills needed to orgasm together.
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The Post:
Some people can orgasm through masturbation but struggle when they’re with a partner. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Orgasming during masturbation is entirely different than with a partner. When you’re alone, you can focus, there’s no pressure, no anxiety, fewer distractions, and fewer worries. You know your body, and you know what you need. For many, insecurities surface when a partner is present, and it can be difficult to relax and focus. There are far more distractions when you’re with your partner than when you're alone.
This doesn’t mean you can’t orgasm with a partner. It means there are different skills needed to achieve orgasm when you’re having sex with another person. And it means you and your partner need time to practice those skills, just as there was a time when you had to learn how to orgasm through masturbation.
These are the three main skills you need so you can orgasm with a partner:
Stress and anxious thoughts don’t lead to orgasm. Most people have busy, stressful lives and often find it hard to relax. Relaxation is one of the keys to orgasm, so it's important to learn how to turn things off, get present, and relax your body.
To strengthen your ability to relax, you can tend to your nervous system on a regular basis with simple daily practices like exercise, for example. Regularly moving your body helps you better handle stress and anxiety, as well as increase your capacity for it, so you don’t get overwhelmed or distracted easily. You can also learn to use relaxation techniques in stressful moments. For example, to lessen anxiety and distracting thoughts in any given moment, you can learn to use deep breathing techniques to calm your body and to stay present. There are many strategies to increase relaxation, but the important thing is not to wait for it to happen naturally. Learn to make it happen, or you could be waiting for a long time.
To reach orgasm, you have to be able to focus on sensations and fantasies. If your mind is wandering all over the place, you're not feeling pleasure. If you're not feeling pleasure, you're not going to orgasm.
A regular meditation practice strengthens your ability to focus. It also teaches you how to recognize when your mind has wandered and to bring your attention back to the present moment, again and again.
You don’t have to meditate for hours a day to strengthen this skill. You just have to do it for a few minutes at a time with regularity. Over time, you'll be able to use the skills you learned through meditation to help you orgasm with your partner.
You know what you need to orgasm when you masturbate. Your partner doesn’t know until you tell them. If you’re afraid to tell your partner what you need, it will be hard to orgasm with them, so communication is key.
You can start small by telling them one thing that will help increase your pleasure. Or, you can share your needs by writing them down, if it feels easier. When telling your partner what you need, be specific about what you want more of, rather than telling them what you don't want. Knowing what you don't want doesn't help them know what you do want.
Keep in mind that whenever we start doing something we’re not used to, it feels scary or awkward. Communicating about sex is no different. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. And when you orgasm with your partner, it will be worth having pushed through the awkwardness.
When you practice these skills, you’ll set yourself up for success because you’ll be able to be relaxed, focused, and present. Additionally, you’ll be able to communicate your needs to your partner, giving them the opportunity to learn how to meet those needs.
Make sure you practice being patient with both yourself and your partner, as learning to orgasm together takes time. Embrace feelings of awkwardness because any time we learn a new skill, it feels awkward until it gets comfortable.
Approach this with a curious mind, eager to embark on the journey. Don’t think of orgasming with your partner as a matter of success vs. failure, as that puts unnecessary stress on your orgasm. Remember that it’s about exploring and enjoying each other, not winning or losing.
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