POST SUMMARY
A 50-year-old woman wants to meet the guy she’s been messaging with on a dating app, but she’s worried he has the wrong impression of her because they talk about sex a lot.
Boundaries can be set at any time, regardless of what was said before.
Pros and cons of talking about sex early on.
The way someone behaves is a reflection of who they are, not you or your worth.
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THE POST:
Dear Caitlin,
I’m over 50 and met a man who is also over 50. There is a very strong attraction. We started talking via chat about sex about a week and a half ago. We have not made arrangements to meet, but we find our conversation about sex is more interesting than, What are you doing and How is your day. He gives compliments and so do I. Because we met on a dating app I know there are others he maybe talking to, but everytime I have a conversation I wanna hold his attention and leave him wanting more later. In my opinion that keeps him attracted. However, I wanna be DREAM GIRL status and not THOT status cause we started off talking about sex. Please help. 🙏🏾
R.K.
Dear R.K.,
It's easy to go from light flirting to heavy sexting when you first start talking to a new person on a dating app. Like you said, you’re attracted, it’s new, fun, and exciting. However, once the conversations are all about sex, it changes the dynamic and makes a relationship less likely to develop.
First of all, your focus becomes about sex, rather than getting to know each other. If you’re looking for a hook-up, that’s fine. If you’re looking for a relationship, you need to get to know each other and see if you enjoy talking and spending time together. Conversations about sex might feel more interesting with this person, but you want to find someone you enjoy talking to about a variety of things.
Second, expectations change. If you start out talking about sex, when you meet, the expectation is to continue talking about it more. The more you talk about it the more turned on you get, and the more likely you are to have sex before getting to know each other. This is how a lot of situationships get started.
Could you do both—talk about sex (or start having sex) and get to know each other at the same time? Of course, that’s possible, but it’s the exception not the rule, especially with heterosexual pairs.
The good news is, there is still time to change course because you haven’t met and you haven’t had sex yet. To do this, you have to let this man know you’re not comfortable talking about sex all the time so early on because you’re looking for a relationship and you want to get to know him better. Let him know you enjoy talking about sex with him, and hope at some point you’ll go back to it. But for right now, you’d like to put the topic aside. If he agrees to do that and respects your boundaries, you can get to know each other and develop a connection. If he doesn’t want to put it aside or agrees to but then doesn’t respect your boundaries, he’s showing you who he is, and he’s not the right person.
If things don’t go well, it’s important that you don’t beat yourself up for talking about sex early on. People often think that if they hadn’t, things could have worked out. In reality, if this person isn’t willing to put it aside and get to know you, he probably isn’t looking for a relationship regardless of what he said. Someone who is looking for a relationship will be fine with getting to know you and respecting your boundaries is a green flag.
I hope this helps!
Xo,
Caitlin
Need advice on dating, relationships, self-worth, boundaries, break-ups, or mental health? Send your questions anonymously and Caitlin will answer in an upcoming Dear Caitlin column! Fill out the application below!
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