I read a post yesterday that had me thinking for a while. It was from a mum who was sharing her view that motherhood is hard, because we make it hard for ourselves. We make it hard for ourselves because we aren’t prepared to let go of the woman we were before kids. We make it hard for ourselves because we’re constantly in the push-pull of trying to be a mother and our own person. She was essentially saying that when we surrender to motherhood, accept that so many days of our lives will be the same old thing, when we stop trying to escape for ‘me’ time and stop reaching backward toward our pre-mum self, the tension will ease, and we will be at peace. Or at least, we won’t be so conflicted every day of our lives.
It had me thinking for a while. And I’m like, good for her. If it works for her. And of course as any mom who has had a whole week derailed by their kid coming home with a daycare illness- motherhood does require a lot of surrender. That is entirely inescapable.
But I don’t think we should rush to smooth over this tension of personal identity vs motherhood identity… by completely letting go of the former. Yes. I look back on the woman I was before my kid and think she’s a bit of a dumb fuck, in many aspects. However, when I write, when I have girl time with my friends, when I practice my dirt jumps on my bike and make reels that a grand total of 3 people from the bike park appreciate- I’m not grasping for my ‘maiden’ self. I’m not trying to forget I have a kid. It’s the fact that I’m also a woman, in her thirties, experiencing life for the first time, too. And I think as long as I’m not abandoning my kid (most of this shit takes place while he’s at school) what is the problem? My kid can only benefit from me having a full life. Deep relationships beyond him and his father. Hobbies, creative projects, stuff to do and get excited for and think about that doesn’t revolve around him.
Yes the tension hurts, constantly. What Dr Sophie Brock calls the care-career conundrum, where we are expected to work like we don’t have children and mother as though we don’t work. The internal guilt, the realisation we’ll probably never fully excel in whatever facet of our lives because we’ll forever be pulled in so many places it is literally impossible to do so. Messages from friends can sit unanswered for days. You skipped the school event and the other parents didn’t. You have to leave work on time, there’s no staying back into all hours of the night to push a project through. You’re not at your peak fitness, or flexibility. Its stressful and can make us feel bad, and like we’ll never measure up in any part of our lives.
And I still don’t think we should give any of it up because it’s easier to let ourselves get completely ensconced in motherhood and let it go.
Just because it’s hard to try fit all the little parts of ourselves together doesn’t mean its wrong.
Just because we now, maybe have to squish our creativity into fifteen minute spurts. Or fight tooth and nail for an hour alone behind a shut door.
Or just because now we can’t just pop off and say whatever online anymore because motherhood exposed the sea beneath the sea so it’s harder to write whatever outrageous poem you feel like.
I still don’t think we should let go of all these things.
I don’t think our kids want to see us completely revolve around them, and it’s ok for them to witness us in the tension. If they understand the pain is not because of them. Being pulled between meaningful things is often the price of a meaningful life.
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